The Escapist Advice Thread

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Cut off his tongue and fingers!

Dear Escapist how can I get rest without getting any sleep?

Stay at an inn. The screen will go black for a second and sleepy music will play but you'll be full rested.

Dear escapist how can I pass time?

Murder.

Dear Escapist, I haz trouble with teh mathematics. Halp?

2 + 2 = fish.

Dear Escapist, how do I into space?

Well If anything has learnt me anything; You can space under c v b n and m.

Dear escapist I can smell burnt toast all day every day. Is there something wrong?

You may have burned your nose. Try taking it out, blowing out the dust, and putting it back on again.

Dear Escapist, how do I succeed in life?

Become a doctor, get the most money and buy everyone else's car to win the game. It helps to retire first, too.

Dear Escapist, there seems to be a strange crack in reality near my local park. How do I open it?

Divide by zero. Do the proof and voila! Crack opened.

Dear Escapist, how do I get a friend to fall for some Shmuck Bait?

It would help if he was a Shmuck Fish.

Dear Escapist, How can I get away with necro'ing my own thread?

By not drawing attention to it. Damn.

Dear Escapist, how can I eat an entire roast chicken in one sitting?

By unhinging your jaw and swallowing it whole.

Dear Escapist, how do I sneeze?

By shoving flour up into your nostrils.

Dear Escapist, I don't like cats. How can I live on the internet?

Blindfolded!

Dear Escapist, how do I shot web?

With a gun, although I don't know what web has done to you.

How do I stop biting my tongue?

Use a hook to stop your mouth from closing.

Dear Escapist, how do I become a true insane maniac?

Just stay on your current course. You're getting there.

Dear Escapist, how do I type faster?

Don't correct your typos! Give zero fucks!

Dear Escapist, I skinned my arm. How do I put it back on?

With glue.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop being lonely?

By giving in to the voices that urge you to kill your family.

Dear Escapists, how can I find happiness?

By giving in to the voices that urge you to kill your family.

Dear Escapists, how do I improve my cooking?

Set everything up to max (including heat) and add the entire packet of whatever it is you are cooking!

Dear Escapists, how do I manage my time better?

Insanity Wolf is well-known for his initiative!

Dear Escapist, how can I breathe water?

Jist stick your head in and breathe deep.

Dear Escapist, how do I breathe?

By going underwater!

Dear Escapist, why does Sandy Claws never bring me presents?

You have never offered him a blood sacrifice.

Dear Escapist how can I stop being so tired.

Sleep!

Dear Escapist, how do I stop my joints aching?

Tizzy, have a snickers. Your joints get all achy when you're hungry. Better?

Dear Escapist, HALP!! My world is in black and white! Suggest me a pointless product to bring the colour back through it's purchase!

Here have colouron! It's proven by "science"!

Dear Escapist, should I listen to the voices?

Yes! I do and I gotta say, burning down that orphanage felt great!

Dear Escapist, I need a new bed!

Why get a boring mattress when you can get a bed of nails and fire?

Dear Escapist, how do I get some fire?

You rub two sticks together OBVIOUSLY.

Dear Escapist, how do I stop my cat from eating herself?

Emilee, 21.

You sew her mouth together.

How do I burn all the hair on my body without killing myself.

Very carefully.

How do I clone myself?

Cut yourself in two...oh wait, that's worms...meh, give it a try anyway it still might work for you.

Dear Escapist, has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Yes the decided far been go want do to sense in a word make.

dear Escapist, how can I ignore people endlessly talking at me without said people getting mad?

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