"ill cave us some trouble. theres the cave. its big. to many turns. ill blow it up. leaving just monsters. SHOO DA WHOOP!" splazor cat screamed. the cave turned to ashes leaving about 100 monsters exposed.
All of the suddent a large vortex appeared from behind the monsters. The powerful monsters were sucked into the vortex,which then closed behind them. Where the hundred of monsters stood now only 1 Human reamined. The man had a hood on and his face could not be seen.
"That jerk stole my kills now I'm pissed." SHOO DA WHOOP! Laser cat fired his most powerful laser at the man who made no effort to move. Laser cat smiled as the shot him directly. The location where the laser hit left nothing. "Ha no one kills my monsters." "I wouldn't be so happy laser cat" said the Paladin as he pointed up. The man floated high in the air motionless, just staring at them. The man floated down to the ground. He turned around and then walked away. "HEY WAIT!" said the ram the man turned the corner and Ram followed him. Ram turned the corner and was shocked to find the man had vanished.
"Um...okay then." Ram said, a little confused. Not only had his quest been blown up and sucked into a vortex, but he saw a man disapear behind a corner in the middle of nowhere.
"We'll just try the next cave, then. And now blowing it up this time!"
"Ah, spoils-sport." Splazor Cat mumbled.
"Hmmm...I smell communism!!!" said the Paladin as he stroked his chiseled American-type chin. The group approached the next cave when a representative of the Paladin's arch-enemy, the Communist Collective, appeared.
"Take aim my comrades."Said the leader of the CC. "Kill the capitlist pigs" The CC took aim at our heroes with there weapons. "Hey look over there."
Naturally the CC turned around. They saw a note on the ground and picked it up. The note read "This is meant to be a distraction while we do something very bad to you. Just continue reading this message until we are finished............ Okay were done." The CCs turned around to find the heroes fleeing. "After them!" The soliders began to chase after them but soon tripped. They looked back to see what tripped and they were Horified at what they saw. THERE SHOELACES WERE TIED TOGETHER!!! "Curse you pigs curse you! Oh well I'm sure we will win the space race."
As the heroes ran from the Communist Collective, they saw another cave, and decided to try their luck there. They found 13 mirrors, with several children that looked to be a little over a year old. As they entered the cavern, the babies smashed the looking glasses. 7 horrendous spirits flew out of each and attacked the heroes.
The spirits gibbered and swooped through the heroes. Was this their end?
"Hahah, stop! That tickles!" giggled Ram, as another spirit passed through him.
"Don't worry, Ram, I'll get those sacks of spirit shit some of my Lazors! SHOO DA---
"NO! You fool! If you blast in here, the whole place will collapse on us!" cried American Paladin, clamping the cat's mouth shut.
"Yeah, besides, these things are harmless! They pass right through us." Ram said, holding in his laughter as yet another spirit passed through.
"Well, that could be dangerous. Who knows what those things have been through?!" cried Splazor Cat, eyeing the ghosts. "They might be leaving dirt or something in your esophagus! And we all know what that will do."
"No,seriously, nothing to worry about. These spirits have almost have no power in the mortal realm. Heck, the only thing that they can do is pick up things that way less then half a gram! What are they going to do, chuck pebbles in our eyes."
"That," American Paladin said, "Or create a vortex of deadly glass shards able to rip into soft flesh, tearing an unprotected animal to shreds."
"Yeah, and where are they going to find glass in the middle of....oh." Ram turned to see 3 spinning cyclones of glass, all slowly coming toward the heroes.
"...Who you going to call?" Splazor Cat said while backing away from the spirits.
"Ghostbusters!" cried the American Paladin in American-Pop-Culture glory.
"Ghostbusters!" cried the American Paladin in American-Pop-Culture glory.
someones trying to bump his thread! ;)
"Alright! I am done with this!" cried Mike, "I shall destroy the world with my... no... I will bomb the... no... Damn! I am all out of ideas! I can't think of anything evil to do!"
Maddawg was in the science bay of Nexus watching the test site for the new super weapon. The Locust released some of the captive Cogs and gave them some of the most powerful weapons. The cogs were armed with A boomshot,A Mulcher,A Hammer Of Dawn, and A Jukebox that was playing the cole train Rap.
"Release the weapon". The giant gate at the either side of the area opened up and a huge monstrosity rushed out and attacked the cogs. They did not even have enough time to start the Jukebox and were rip to pieces. The Beast then returned to his cage and it closed behind it.
Unfortunatly Maddawg blinked and did not even see the beast before it was gone. He looked over at Gordon who was at his side. "Keep this up and I think you'll be getting a 2nd Gravity Gun.
"All right, since everyone else seems a little shy to dive in first, I'll do the honors!" Ram cried, and promtly did a head-butt dive right into one of the swirling cyclones of glass.
Twenty seconds of screaming and blood-shed later...
"All right, bad idea. Someone else give it try."
The American Paladin shuddered. "I...I'm changing...GRRRRRRAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!! In America!" The cracks of his suit of armor glowed and then burned with an internal glow. His armor flew off, revealing his badass hat and suit. The glow of America burned out of him with eternal glory. The spirits stopped their motion at the power of it and the glass fell to the cave's floor. The American Paladin, now also known as Uncle Sam, looked at them and they melted together to form a solid sheet of tempered glass under the blowtorch of his pure Americanism. The spirits fled in terror, their only strategy rendered useless.
The glow of America died down some, but not entirely, and it never would go away. He didn't start the fire, it was always burning since the world was turning. He was simply the conduit of pure America.
The ghosts had started the black hole. The heroes were started to be dragged in. One by one the heroes were sucked in until only The palliden remained. "I can't hold on much longer" he thought to himself. Then a hand reached out to him. Naturally he grabbed the hand and was pulled to saftey. He looked up at his savior but his was shocked to find that it was none other then Winston Churchill. "AHHHHH HE WASEN'T MADE IN AMERICA." he then preceded to jump into the black hole.
Winston was stuck there with a confused look."This was pay back for WW2. Were even now."
In Nexus Gordon was working on his teleporter when a giant rift opened behind him. The heroes poured out of the Rift and Gordon,Knowing that nothing coming out of rift in space can be good picked up his crowbar and charged the intruders.
Sorry for the inconvience but please disreguard this post.
"Oh..my..god." Ram whispered before the crowbar came crashing down on to his head.
"It's GORDON FREEMAN!" Ram gleefully shouted, completely oblivious to the broken crowbar lieing near his hooves.
Gordon, looking at his half of the crowbar with shock, tossed it aside and picked up another one.
"Dude, I'm like, your biggest fan!" the giddy goat continued, still ignoring the fact
his horns were being assaulted by metal bars. Gordon was equally ignorant to the fact that he was trying to hit a head that was all skull on top.
"Perfect! We can now make our *TINK* escape!" the American Paladin said with an Americanly whisper.
"But what about *TINK* Ram?" Splazor Cat whispered back, watching the pile of broken crowbars grow around the goat.
"Meh, I'm sure he'll be fine. *TINK* He looks like he's enjoy himself." American Paladin said, turning away. Ram was fervently trying to get Gordon to sign a crowbar but had to start over every time Gordon used it to hit him.
Splazor Cat watched for a few seconds more, then shrugged and followed his American friend.
Uncle Sam opened a portal to another dimension. A Japanese type person stepped out. "My name is Ryu. Have you seen my father? He's about twice my size and bulk and tends to kill everything in his path, though that's really up for grabs at the moment since Raiden and M. Bison teamed up. Nobody likes a cheater, not even evil people." Suddenly a Japanese school girl stepped out of the portal as well. "Oh, good. I thought I'd lost you for a second there, Sakura."
Suddenly Ram went flying through the room while shouting "OMG THE GRAVITY GUN AWSOME!!" . Lazor cat turned around and said "Alright enough of these plot twits." Lazor cat then fired his lazor at Gordon who took a direct hit. Gordon reamined on his feet while a female voice shouted in his ear "Warning user death iminent" Gordon looked around before finding a health and Energy pack on the wall. After getting back to full health Gordon raised his super charged gravity gun. With it he grabbed Scorpion and heared the female voice shout "Get over here!". He then heared dropped scorpion who got up in a daze and heared a Deep male voice say "Finish Him". Gordon fired the lightning bolt at Scorpion's face and sent him ragdolling throught the air and landing near the group. "Ok" Said the Paliden" Who thinks we should go into the mysterious portal" With that the entire group dove into the portal and Gordon watched as the Intruders retreated. He then for some reason heared a guy yell "TOASTY" for some reason."
"And warm!" shouted the mysterious stranger, who stood besides the heroes.
"Why did you just shout that?" Splazor Cat asked the strange man.
"Because of Mk, silly."
"What's M K?" Ram asked, tilting his head to the side.
The man simply stared, dumbfounded.
"Enough of this blatant small talk!" Shouted the American Paladin, strutting to wards the mysterious man. "You there, Man of Mystery. Where in the 55 Glorious States of America are we?"
"Why, you're in..."
"Israel" the guy finished. Uncle Sam looked at the group "wait, what?" the guy smiled at Uncle Sam. "What? You though the United States of America where the only place in the world or something?
then suddenly the lights went out. "Hey! Turn the lights back on" Ram shouted into the dark. "No. Fo I am the Electrician. And god knows that I've spent more than ever on trying to follow you guys. Now it's my time to dominate"
"Why are you here and why are you bothering us?" said Ram to the Electrician. "Why am I here? WHY AM I HERE?!?! Isn't it obvious. I'm here becuase you guys have been wasting electricity. You think that we are made of Electricity? You think that-" The Electrician was cut off by the power returning. He looked around and saw that the American Paliden had pluged the plug back into the socket. "I was kinda doing a rant" Lazor cat then fired his lazor at the Electrician who was burnt to a crisp. The group headed to the American embassy to get help. They were stopped by soliders who asked American Pally if he was 18. He replied back that he was 19 and was then taken to a recruitment center. They did not realize that in Isarel all inhabitants must serve 2 years in the Army.
"But I'm already in the Proud Army of the USA!" American Paladin shouted, trying to struggle out of the grips of the two recruitment officers.
The commander of the Israel Army looked at the paladin with mild amusement. "Oh? Then I suppose we'll have to make sure to train you to WIN a war," he said while laughing, but then quickly ducking the boot of the American Paladin. They then quickly took the swearing American away.
"Don't worry, AP! We'll get you out of this!" Ram shouted after him.
"How? By blasting them?" Splazor Cat asked, an evil glint in his eyes.
"No, for though they took are friend, we don't want to start a war with them. We'll have to try another way."
The two animals then went to follow the recruitment team.
A little way off, a pile of ash began to stir. From it's depths, a hand emerged, holding...A SOCKET WRENCH!
The American Paladin glared at the "recruiting officers" from the other side of the steel table. They had tried to take his armor off already, but had found that American steel was stronger than Israeli brutality. Then they tried to waterboard him, but he just borrowed Michael Phelps amazing delphine abilities and held his breath. They had finally decided to tell him what this was all about. But they had made one mistake.
They hadn't chained his legs.
In one smooth move, he kicked the steel table hard enough to split the two Isralis in half horizontally, flipped over the back of the chair (very impressive in full plate armor) placing his chained arms in front of him, pulled his sword with his now less restrained hands and kicked a wall down. "I came here to kick ass and take names. But I've found I don't care about your names." He struck a menacing pose.
The chickens in the yard stared at him for a couple seconds and then went back to their hunting and pecking. The Paladin stared at them for a few seconds and then ran through the compound wall in a very Juggernaut-esque manner. He then searched for his friends, hoping that one of them would be able to get these chains off.
American Paladin wandered for hours unable to find the way out. He eventually went full circle and ended up outside with the chickens. "Damnit I'll never find my way out now. Oh well guess I'll just break more walls." Before the paladin could move he heard a voice Yell "Stop!". He turned around but saw no one there. "Down here you American idiot." He looked down and saw that the Chicken was talking to him. "Listen sorry for not talking to you before we thought you were a friend of that boy in the green dress. Look I'm next on the chopping block for IFC (Isarali Fried chicken) I know of a great treasure that you can have if you get me out of here." "What sort of treasure?" asked the Paladin. "There was once a great gem that could give ultimate power to whoever held it. It was first used by the Ninja Monkeys to hold off a Panda Invaison in Japan. It was then lost and resurfaced in Great Britian where it was found in a barrel of Tea from the West Indies. The Dock owner claimed the treasure and gave it to his nephew Sir Walter Raleigh. He then took the gem to America. As time passed it fell into the hands of Babe Ruth,Elvis,Kurt Cobain,and Russel Crowe. Eventually it ended up in the hands of Rosie O'Donnel. She thought it was a cookie and ate it. 10 Days later it was found in the stomach of a sewer Croc that was sent back to it's home and then Killed by natives. The natives lost the gem and now it is in the hands of Al'Qeada. Since I am a chicken I planned on sneaking in and takeing the gem for myself but now My time is up. I will tell you where the gem is if you promise to take me-" The chicken was cut short by a cleaver that cut through his neck. His head landed on the ground and he looked up at his body which was running around crazily. His last words were "Son of a-".
Left behind by the heroes, the zombie-electrician stood examening his socket wrench. "What the hell is this?" he thought to himself. Being an avid gamer, he believed he was in possesion of a thing quite similar to the crowbar.
Ready with his new awsome weapon, the zombie-electrician went after the heroes for revenge. But unfortainly the heroes had been clever. They had obviously encountered contradicting GMs before, so they were clever enough to pile a bunch of boxes in front of the door. "Hah! Little did they know that I would be in possesion of this .. wre- ... Plug wrench? Fuse wrench? Uh .." the zombie-electrician poundered on what its name was - surely he couldn't break through the boxes without crying the name of his weapon!
"I know! Socket wrench!" the zombie-electrician raised his weapon, and ran towards the boxes "No box is a match for my socket wrench!" the zombie-electrician cryed as he smashed it into the boxes. Suprised the zombie-electrician saw the boxes still standing tall. "Whu- Ah never mind. I'll just use my electrical power!" conveniently enough, the zombie-electrician had carried with him some wires. push-buttons ... Relays. He was profound to see what he actually had in his pocket. An electrical motor. Nonetheless. This was what he needed to get past those boxes. And the electrican started his work
"Have we found him yet?"
"Do you see him anywhere? No? Then we haven't found him."
"But where is he? We've been looking for HOURS." Splazor Cat continued to whine.
"I Don't Know! That's why were looking!" Ram said, growing impatient with each word.
"Is there tuna around?"
"IS THERE...does it Look like we're in a grocery store?!"
"...have we found him yet?"
Ram, nostrils flaring in rage, smashed through a stack of random boxes to vent a bit.
Meanwhile in Nexus, Maddawg was sitting in his office finishing some paperwork when Gordon ran through the door. "Gordon whats the matter?" Gordon replied back in sign language " There have been intruders. I chased them off and even managed to kill one of them". "Okay when did all this happen?"
"Couple hours ago." Replied Gordon.
"Couple hours ago! What took you so long?"
"Well. Someone locked the door in the science bay and for some reason it has bulletproof glass. So I had to crawl through the ventalation and I came out on the other side of the complex.Then Alyx called me and she began to go on and on and on about some boring Black Mesa stuff. So I hoppped into a car while she was talking and ended up driving to the other side of the city. I went in and saw that it was a missle silo and that one of the silo doors were open so I closed it thinking someone would get hurt and then I crawled through two miles of raw sewage to get here and I came in trough a vent right outside of your office."
"Wait you are aware that there is an elevator that leads to this floor and that the door to the stairs is only opened when there is a fire or the elevator is out right? Also weren"t we going to test a missle today." With that Maddawg looks out his window and sees a huge explosion from the missle silos.On his intercom his secratary said "Ummm Sir" "Yes Becky I saw it." He turned off the intercom and looked at Gordon "To be honest I didn't think the Boomers would be able to make an exploding warhead.Oh and I'm docking your pay for that Silo."
Crash! The boxes flew everywhere, leaving a rather suprised zombie-electrician. "No." he said silently. "I'm not ready to go down just yet.". The zombie-electrician turned, and connected a couple of wires. "Wait. Isn't this were we .. Like .. Came from? Didn't we stack these boxes ourselves?" but before Ram could answer, the zombie-electrician pressed a green button. All of a sudden a huge fan just started whirling. And it blew the heroes backwards.
After a couple of minutes of flying backwards, the wind errupted. The heroes decided to go look for Uncle Sam once again.
As they were walkiing, they could suddenly see a decaptivated chicken "Cat ..." Ram started "I swear! It wasn't me!" they could suddenly hear heavy breathing, and swift movement. THey ran forward to see Uncle Sam run after some figur that dissapeared behind a corner. "Sam!" Ram shouted before he started running after him as well. "Hum .. Sam ... Ram ... Awsome! I did not notice that before" Splazor Cat said before catching up with Ram
"Yes, that's very nice. Now please hush up." Ram tried to catch up to Sam, but the American was to quick, odd considering the armor he wore. Ram looked behind him to see what could cause such speed, and quickly saw the problem: What looked like the whole Isreal army was running behind them, looking none-to-pleased.
"Jeez, barely a day goes by when we're not being chased to death by something or nother."
Then Ram jumped up on a rock, facing the army. "We shall defeat thee!" he cried heroically. A group of children came to root for him, but were quickly caught up by the army who turned them into soldiers.
"Allright." Ram said "Plan B". Splazor Cat looked at him with a confused face "What .. What does that plan say?" Ram thought about it for a second. "I don't know ... Run, I guess". And so they did
When the army saw that the heroes started running away from them, they were angered even more. "Putang ina mo!" The army shouted after them. "Wait .. Since when did the Israeli army speak Phillipino?" Ram asked Splazor as they were running away. "Not sure .. It's probably just that the author of this post isn't well enough travelled to know any Israeli words." Splazor replied.
All of a sudden, they could see Uncle Sam inside a window. He was trapped inside. And the realys holding the magnetic lock for the door were in another room. "Wait!" Splazor started. "What is that on the roof? Is it a cat? A bird? A plane?" "No." Ram responded "It's the Zombie-Electrician getting away!". Splazor looked back down. "No time to deal with him now. We have the Israeli army on our tail and Sam locked inside this ..." He looked above the window to find the sign "Electrical Store!"
As the Zombie Electrican ran for his life he thought to himself "Wait am I a zombie from Left 4 dead or a zombie from Deadrising?" After he finished his thought his legs broke off and he fell off the roof. He hit the ground pretty hard and thought to himself "Deadrising."
"How are we supposed to get him out? The doors locked!" Splazor Cat shouted, eyeing the on-coming army.
"Well, perhaps if we find a way to those realys" mused Ram, eyeing the wires, "We can climb those boxes there, make our way through the ventalation system, enter the room, take out any opposition, then we try to short-cuircit the realys with some rubber bands, coke, a mallet, and.."
Suddenly, a large flash of light made Ram turn around. The Electrical Store now seemed to be missing a large chunk of itself, the walls still standing slightly smoking.
"Or you can blast the walls with your splazor. Either or."
As they stepped into the store, they looked around tentatively. by this point, they knew well enough to stay on guard. suddenly, from behind the counter, Sam burst up, screaming,
"You dumb sh*ts! you really think blasting me with a laser would help?" as Sam turned to inspect the damage done, the others stared in horror at the abyss, as standing before them, was an elaborate and archaic Symbol, similar to an "O".
"wait..." said the ram, "I recognize that symbol."
"What this? It's just a Cherrio." Sam picked up the cheerio and gave it to Ram. "Now then I hope you are able to pay for the door you just broke becuase if you don't I will be very very angry." "Oh yeah" said Splazorcat"What are you gonna do about it?"As the feline finished his sentence the stereos and Tvs in the store began morphing into Robots."The beauty of living in the middle east is fast delivry from Japan" said Sam "I would like you to meet my own little transformers army.They are the most advance killing machines on the face of the earth and they will destroy you." One of the Transformers, who was hidden as a flat screen Tv stepped up. "Sony attack the intru-" "Wait! before you kill us just one question.Did you ever sell one of these robots to a customer?" "Well there was this one guy who came in for a Xbox 360.
(Flashback to an apartment)
"Oh boy I can't wait to play Street Fighter 4." The young boy placing the disk into his Xbox. The Xbox spits out the disc, transforms and yells "YOU DARE PLAY THAT CRAP ON ME!! I WILL DESTROY YOU PUNY LITTLE-" Then in the middle of his chest 3 flashing red lights appeared. "Oh hang on a sec." The Xbox took out a cellphone "Hello Microsoft. Yeah it happened again."