"Well, we could check this chest WHICH I'VE BEEN BLOODY CARRYING ON MY BACK, THANKS FOR NOTICING." With a disgruntled grunt, Ram kicked open the chest with a feminine voice.
"OK...OH SWEET GOD WHY!!!?!?!?!??!??!?!??" screamed Ragnorak as he collapsed into a blubbering pile of fur and tears.
"What is it...Oh. Elfen Lied. You seriously need to get over this allergy dude." said Spike. Inside the box was a television running all the Episodes of Elfen Lied in marathon format. Spike pulled out an MP3 player and played Psycho Killer by the Talking Heads. Ragnorak got up, better. He then crushed the TV with his staff. Then a small voice said "Thank you for releasing me from that horror. My name's Helena. I'm a sentient computer. I was most recently the property of the great hero Girard Icarian. since you saved me from that terrible thing, I'll let you keep me, Mr. Ninja Monkey." Ragnorak took a small white box with glowing green symbols out of the chest.
"Sweet! My own sentient computer!"
Sweet Jesus, it's another me. Jerry said.
"I doubt it. I found you by the side of the road, remember?"
Yeah, but it's a talking computer, and more importiantly it's a chick.
"Keep it...umm...in...wherever you keep it, Jerry."
I make no promises.
"Ok...that's not disturbing." Ram mumbled, eyeing the Logician's laptop.
"So, i suppose now is the time to be making headway in our grand adventure!" Ram shouted, starting to Head South.
"...What was our adventure again?"
"Killing the creators of bad anime. Like Elfen Lied. And that one really horrible one from a few years back that LBK created. We could also try to save the world from the deadly moon rays that are coming on the equinox. All we'd have to do is destroy all four ground dishes on the poles and the opposite sides of the world. Inside of the next three days. And they're all guarded by horrible creatures. No biggie."
"Hmm, mighty tasks indeed...but perhaps we ought to go for a more awsome route, ie, the route that leads to #845 GENERIC CAVE WITH MONSTERS!" Ram shouted, pointing to a nearby cave.
The rest of the group just look at him with dumbfounded gazes.
"...Or we can put it up to a vote! Unless, of course, some random thing happens that sends us to a quest, sort of thing..." Ram hinted, gazing at the skies for help.
the ram look to the sky and then a jar fell onto his head the jar hit the ground and smashed open letting forth a black blob.
The blob started to form into a creature a man made entirely of shadow with green facial features.
"last time I take public transport" the creature said dusting himself off. raising his eyes up to the group of travelers and one very angry looking ram.
"oh crap a monster kill it" the one with the Afro shouted. everyone leaped into the air to attack.
"I have a quest for you" HE shouted, everyone stopped dead in their tracks somehow remaining in mid-air.
"okay seeing as how you just defied the laws of gravity you seem interested so I`l tell you I need you guys to escort me to the nearest village so I can pick up my dry-cleaning I can give you money" the shadow said grinning holding up a bag.
The Logician scoffed. "We're adventurers; we don't need your stinking money. C'mon, lets get this man his dry cleaning!"
"uh yeah sure money that`s what was in my bag not an evil chemical no not at all,oh by the way the name`s Mr.terrible pleased to make your acquaintance" terrible said extending his hand for a handshake skillfully not letting anyone see the palm of his hand.
The Logician sighed. "Yeah, we're not stupid enough to buy that. Now give us the evil chemicals or I'll personally Rickroll you to death. Is that what you want?"
"oh Jesus not a rickroll have a heart man" terrible frantically said scraping his hands down his face.
"okay fine here, the`re in the bag" he said handing it to the logician the logician grabbed the bagged and looked deep into it.
"I don`t see anything are you sure you`ve got evil chemicals in here" logician said his head practically inside the bag.
"no I don`t have any chemicals in there...but I`ve got your soul" as soon as terrible finished his sentence a bright light shot out of the bag completely enveloping the logician`s head and taking his soul and before anyone had a chance to do anything terrible punched logician in the gut and ran off with his soul.
"ha try and get me now you do-gooders" terrible said leaping over a fence.
Terrible (yet fun) never made it over the fence. The Logician teleported in front of him, causing him to fall backwards. He was immediately rammed by Ram. "Take The Logician's soul, will you!"
The Logician took back his soul. "That was completely uncalled for, buddy. Now I'm really gonna rickroll you to death."
And with that, The Logician snapped his fingers, teleporting Terrible (yet fun) back to his master, and beginning the constant rickroll that would eventually and inevetably lead to his death.
Does that mean we don't have to pick up his dry cleaning? Jerry asked.
"Well, yeah, but more importiantly and distrssingly, we don't have a quest."
As The Logician said this, the clouds parted, a light shone upon them, and a powerful voice boomed, "Yes you do..."
Maddawg and the reavers floated high above the group. "Sir why do we stay here they are unaware of us we sould attack". Maddawg turned to the solider and said "You wanna attack go right ahead I'm not stopping you." The lone solider rushed forward firing rockets at the group. He was quickly spotted and Rickrolled by logican. "Okay then anyone else want to attack? I didn't think so now shut up i got my own plan." Maddawg then scribbled on a piece of paper and explained what he was doing. "If the stupid monkey wants revenge on the creators of that anime we will grant him his revenge." i have drawn him a map to the creators house, there we will be waiting for them." Maddawg then drops the map onto the Monkey who reads it.
Random locust solider #6258
Then all of a sudden, a cat fell out of the sky and onto the Logicans face. he clawed for a second before remembering his manners and stopped. he introduced himself. "hello im lazor cat, but just call me lazor. may i join you mates for a little bit? im as bit lost at the moment."
"You know, Maddawg really needs to not sign his evil maps. It just tips me off." said Ragnorak.
"Hmmm? What evil map?" asked the Logician.
The one he's holding in his paws, you buffoon. You need to pay more attention.
Mmmm...I like the feisty ones.
In your dreams, Abacus boy.
"Quit flirting you two! We have bigger problems. Like the quest this light seems about to give us." interrupted Ram.
No, no, I've got all millenia. Take as much time as you need.
"I think we're done now. Continue." replied Logician.
Alright. You need to collect the Triforce. Ganondorf is after it again. And Link's on his honeymoon.
"Oh? Zelda finally accepted, huh? Took her long enough." said Ragnorak. "Alright, let's go. I feel adventurous!"
"Well that plan was a bust". "GRIND" "Your right maybe if we get the Triforce first we can...wait minute witch triforce is it. Cause if it's the triforce of courage i think i'll pass. "Grind" "Ok good then its the Triforce of wisdom i can give it to you so you can talk in complete sentences". "GRIND?" "No not really!"
"Hmm." The Space Cowboy took a look at the map for a moment. "Something tells me it could be a trap." He surmised.
"Gee, ya think?" Said Lazor cat sarcastically as he hopped onto his shoulder.
Another peice of paper flew down from the sky this one said
The map is not a trap to lure you away while i go after the triforce.
Signed Maddawg (damnit why did i use pen.)
"well lets goooooo... here!" as he pointed to a fishing town."also i hear there is a psyhic(pardon my spelling)there that can point us in the right direction.also, there might be a boat we can take tooooo... here." as he pointed to a near off shore island."it looks like a good place to go. but its a ways away. what do u guys think?"
"Hmmm..." Ram thought, slowly pawing (or hooving) his mighty Goate. "I like the idea of a Psychic, could be of some use. Then if it's a bust, we can try the island."
Ram started leading the group to the fishing village. He then stopped, and looked back.
"...You coming or what?" he called after the lagging heroes. He then snorted and continued on his way, mumbling something about how heroes now-adays don't have as much pep as they used to, back in my day they would be halfway cross yonder hill if I mentioned quests, and grumble grumble Shinanigans grumble....
"Actually," The Logician said. "I wanted to go after The Triforce. I've always imagined Gannondorf is smaller in person..."
Meanwhile in an underground base far, far, far, far, far away(approx.3 inches) was the bay king. With his new assortment of nuclear weaponry. So...he thought...they want to go the the psychic in the fishing town...all right.
In the fishing town, bay knights suddenly leaped from the shadows firing mini nukes, bravely killing themselves in the process, the fishing village is completely destroyed, leaving only small maps of Hyrule.
Bayking, satisfied with himself, then marched off to find the triforce of strength, so that he could finally defeat his archenemies.
Ram watched the small mushroom-cloud form over the fishing village.
"Well, that sucks. At least we go these maps!" Ram said.
"...which seem to be of Hyrule, which is weird, cause we're in Wisconsin."
Lazor Cat coughed politely. "Umm, I meant THAT fishing village, over there." he said, pointing to another fishing village.
"Oh, that's lucky then." Ram gleefully said. "Except for, you know, the whole burning down of the other village."
"I'm sure they can walk it off." Lazor cat said, Spike walking towards the other fishing village.
"Sir, hate to bother you in your most epic of pwns but there is another fishing village."
"I don't see your point...wouldn't the radiation affect all villages in the area, including us and them..."
"Yes sir but the ram didn't see it that way."
"Ah, well forget about it i'm sure they'll find out soon enough."
"Say Ram, wouldn't the radiation from the nukes supposed to be blasting us right now?" Spike asked, nervously eyeing the crater of the ex-village.
"Nahh. Them were mini-nukes, and they only have radiation in a small area. Trust me, I beat Fallout 3 like 10 times."
Spike simply shrugged, though he did wonder how a goat played videogames with hooves...
"Y'know..." Rangorak began. "It just occurs to me that the radiation from the mini-nukes would affect the other fishing village, too."
"Normally, yes." The Logician said. "But in this case, I dispersed the radiation with Logic. I'm that good."
"Well that seems awfully convinient."
"It is. And don't hang a lamp on it; it just ticks people off."
"Sir there using Deus ex Machina to defeat you."
"Forget it...we're going to have to go back and stop them from reaching the village."
"Blast, how did they find out that's were I stored all my weaponary and replacement bayknights?"
"I don't know." The baykinght sleds promptly turned around to meet the army of 7 or how many adventures the good guys had.
"Sir this fight is going to be a little one sided."
"What makes you say that?"
"A man who simply logics away radiation, a ram, a ninja monkey...must I go on."
"No but I know exactly how to stop them."
"How might I ask?"
"My secert weapon...MODS!!!"
"Sir, this is real life and your not playing Fallout 3 anymore..."
"Like hell I'm not." On cue the console opened up and all around froze. tgm. additem mininukes 29992992992929. additem f 20002002002000200020*just in case* and placeatme deathclaw army. but he miss clicked and everything went into the pockets of the logicical man. "Well atleast the deathclaw army will get them..."
"Army is set up at teh village now what sir."
"Fire at will."
"There's no one named Will on there side sir."
Ram looked at the Logician. "You know, if you say the complete opposite of what I say after I say it, one of us looks like a lier."
He then turned to the massive army coming from the village. "Damn, they are sneaky."
"You know, I could totally cheat and kill them all with my limit attack, but I think I'll indulge in some good old fashioned violence today. You know, beating them to death with my staff." said Ragnorak. "Anyone else feelin' this?"
"I think I'm gettin' what you're sayin'. I haven't kickboxed in a while. I like it!" said Spike.
"I concur. Seems like a sound plan." said the Ram.
"Mmmmmm...inflicting pain sounds good right now...or is that my backpack full of food..." said the Logician.
"SCREW THAT! I'MA CHARGIN' MA LAZUHH!!!" said the LazorCat.
Way to enter into the spirit of the plan, puss.
Shut up, Abacus. You can't fight anyway.
"Uhm...she does know his name is Jerry, right?" the Logician asked Ragnorak.
"Yeah. I think "Abacus" is a kind of an endearment-disguised-as-an-insult thingy." replied Ragnorak.
"Let's kick some ass!" whooped Spike as he leaped at the army. he killed at least three before he became embroiled in a brawl so thick they couldn't see him. They assumed he was winning, however. Mostly because of the Bayknights flying out of the brawl with awkwardly bent limbs and necks.
Ragnorak jumped into the fray and turned into a whirlwind of death (not literally, obviously, though that would be pretty cool). His prehensile tail and four usable limbs helped enhance this image.
The Logician counted on logic to dodge and counter enemy attacks. It worked very well. At least until the illogic monster got ahold of him. So he just trapped it into a debate about Creationism in schools and it exploded from the sheer logic of his argument. He then continued the pummeling.
The Ram just charged straight through the enemy lines and took out an entire battalion with his trampling hooves.
The LazorCat carved swathes through the enemies with his lazor. It looked very temporarily painful.
Eventually, the entire enemy army was dead or otherwise occupied (knocked out, paralyzed, etc. beating people up gives many non-lethal options that actually cause more pain and embarrassment than an incontinent uncle at your wedding). The party continued up to the village with no more unfortunate issues. They found the house of the psychic fairly easily, and knocked on the door.
"Ah, adventurers." The seated figure watched the visitors from behind the presence of a translucent crystal ball, while favoring the supposed 'party' with an appraisive look.
"You've come a bit late. Typically, I wouldn't accept clients at such an hour, but seeing as how you destroyed that pesky army which had been chasing away business, I'll allow it this once. Whatever it is you want, make it fast, or Munchausen will see you out. I can not ensure your safety if it comes to that."
Elsewhere within the dimly-lit room, an old man observed patiently, behind lenses which were thick enough to glimpse the Dark Side of the Moon©.
The group stepped inside and the Lazor Cat pointed a paw at the old man. "Is that Munchausen? How is that old man going to see us out?!" He laughed from atop Spike's shoulder.
The old man got up and started cracking his knuckles as he moved towards the Space Cowboy and the now suddenly nervous Lazor Cat. "It's ok Lazor Cat, I'll bust out my kung fu moves if he gets too close." Spike said before getting flung through the window along with the Lazor Cat.
The old man calmly went back to his chair, ignoring the groans coming from outside. The rest of the group looked around nervously. "Shall we get down to business then?" The psychic said pointing to a table for them to sit. "Yes that sounds good." The Ram said gratefully, eyeing the old man again to make sure he wasn't about to pounce on them
Out of the kicked-open chest sprang a housecat-sized stripy creature, beady black eyes bugging as she scurried around for a moment in evident terror.
It only took a few seconds for that to wear off, though, and she hopped back onto the lip of the chest to stare at the motley crew gathered around.
"Wow...when'd you all show up? Hey Dave, wake up; we got visitors."
Dave the Chest shuddered with a creaky yawn and the lid swung forward, launching the creature who opened leathery sails attached to her arms and spreadher tail to glide. The brass rivets on the top blinked brighter than before--these, apparently, were his 'eyes'.
"I see that," he replied dolefully, "are they going to shove more nasty-tasting junk inside me?"
"Hey, that last guy only did it to shut you up; you know that!"
lazor cat jumped back in and said "you wanna go old man, BRIN IT OOOOWWWNNN!!!!"
but spike stopped him before he fired it. "that would be the worst decision you've made all day. just leave him alone and he wont turn you into an egg roll. psttt i think he's chinese so he'll do that."
the psyhic (cant spell it) said "you must go to the off shore island, there if a cave where my mentor, Mr. Norris, will talk to you more. but beware, there are many trials on the way to the cave of the norris. now, please be on your way. before you and your crazy cat draw more attention and possibly a nuclear strike on our tiny shack. if you do, he can have a can of tuna."
"OK LETS GO NOW FAST GO GO GO!!" Lazor cat said at the hearing of the word tuna.
On an island in the south pacific.
"Yes sir, the spybots are reporting that this is the magic island that the triforce of courage is."
"That's not the one we were going for..."
"I understand, but the pyschic mentioned that the party would be here, and also is Chuck Norris."
"Good, arm the nuclear weaponary."
With the nukes armed, LBK hit his red button of doom, sending wave after wave of ICMB's straight at the island. The resulting radiation killed all the fish in the sea, and some freshwater too(tuna included). But the island itself stayed unscathed.
"Blast, Chuck Norris and his blast shields."
"Sir, it's not Chuck Norris..."
"Yes, reports indicate that it's actually Greg Norris, a middle school band teacher."
"Oh, then rearm the missles and actually fire at him"
then, suddenly chuck norris flys into the nuke. he comes out unscathed as says to greg norris,"if you hold the name norris, you are a brother."