I walk into the God Damn It Stop Ninja'ing Me Store. I then bash myself on the head repeatedly before respawning in a store next to where Mr. Cox is hiding. (I didn't spawn behind you, so that doesn't count.) I walk into said store and throw a knife into your forehead killing you immediately. MAINSTREAM'D.
Yay, I'm making way too many Borderlands/Gearbox references.
I respawn,and I kick Ice Azure out of the Mall.
"AND DON'T COME BA-" (Me)
I realize what the fuck I just done,I rewind time,and I kick Ice Azure into a pit of lava.
I face Teddy, my kamikaze partner having possibly died.
''Damn, looks like I'll have to reform your economy by myself now. I'm about to New Deal your ass Teddy''.
I put my fists up in a ''fisticuffs'' gesture, to show him that I want to finish this like a real man
I challenge Morphine, charging him with my bayonet, ready to shoot him if I need to kill him rapidly.
I'll be back.
I respawn in the Willow Tree store. I pick up a Shredder Shredder in each hand and shoot Mr. Cox in the head over 9000 times, because modded guns can do that. I then toss his body into the Volcano.
I respawn,I rush into the Awesome Yet Impractical store,I put on spring boots,I grab a fireworks gun,and I spring all around the mall,fireworking the shit out of everyone who comes in my way.
I wait until teddy has gotten right up close to me to shout ''Franklin, now!''
At my command the dying FDR presses a button on his wheelchair, causing it to self destruct in a tremendous explosion, whiping the rough riders,Teddy and I all out
I hide in the shadows and throw a batarang at one of the Rough Riders. As his friends check on him, I grapple down and grab one that stayed behind. I leave him hanging and return to the shadows before the others hear his screams. I smear some explosive gel on the wall and let a Rider catch a glimpse of me. As he moves closer to check, I detonate the gel and knock him out. Starting to get nervous, the Riders fire a few shots into the air. I glide down and kick one of them, then cover him in explosive gel. I grapple up and as three Riders come check the body, it explodes. I then throw another batarang and punch the Rider's head, knocking him out. I fire my batclaw, pulling a Rider down from a walkway. He falls on top of another one, knocking them both out. I leave more explosive gel and grapple up, knocking out five more Riders in the process. I then fall on top of one of them, disarm him and knock him out and deal with the last one by grappling and pulling myself in his direction, grabbing him, and hanging him from a rail.
Mr. Cox then explodes because of a weapon malfunction.
I laugh, then go to the pet store once again and find more Crawmeraxes. I release all of them and keep one as a personal guard. I find a
Rakk Hive strange monster with a vagina as a mouth. I release it and it finds Mr. Cox and eats him. Mr. Cox does not die immediately but is rendered immobile and unable to do anything as the starnge monster slowly digests him. It takes an hour before he actually dies and respawns inside a prison cell.
I kill myself and I respawn in a cybercafe.
"WAIT A FUCKING SECOND!" (Me)
I check The Escapist.
I go into the Escapist Store again and find two buttons. I press one and suddenly all of you turn into a beaver. I press the other one and the entire mall begins to spin, after I glue my feet to the ground temporarily. Everyone in the mall except me dies from being tossed all over the place.
"THAT'S AN ULTIMATE WEAPON! Sort of. ICE AZURE IS A RULE BREAKER! AND ALSO AN ASSHOLE WHO KEEPS FORCE KILLING EVERYONE (I.E. Me) JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE KILLS HIM,EVEN THOUGHT THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT OF THE FUCKING GAME! GET HIS ASS AND FRAME IT ON THE WALLS OF THE LOBBY!" (Me)
I equip Chinese Stealth armor and slit Mr. Cox's neck, killing him instantly as he tells everyone to kill me.
I then ask Mr. Cox to please define what an ultimate weapon is.
Soon after, I walk into the pet store and find more Crawmeraxes. I release them.
I then wonder to myself why it is so hard to detect whether someone is joking or serious in this mall this time, before walking along towards my next destination.
I respawn,and I start chainsawing the Crawmeraxes.
"An Ultimate Weapon is something that can kill everyone in the mall aside from the person who uses it,most of the time causing everyone to get pissed off! Althought that Ultimate Weapon you used should technically have killed you too. AND ALSO,IT'S T-O-X,NOT FUCKING C-O-X!" (Me)
I temporarily ignore Morphine, stab Azure in the head with my bayonet, then shoot him on the ground to ensure a good kill, I return to fight morphine, noticing that FDR and Ren are tearing through my Rough Riders. I rally them around me to fight back en masse, where Ren cannot isolate them and would be overwhelmed if he attacks directly.
Meanwhile, I stab at Morphine since he has neglected to dodge, or so it seems...
I respawn and quickly grab a Katana,deciding to keep things simple. I drop down in front of Azure and lunge at her with the Katana
''You and Tox need to break this up and play nice for a while!''
"Yeah! Wait,how can I hear Morphine,I'm like on the other side of the Mall." (Me)
I look to MrMorphine.
"In the name of these glorious United States, I propose a truce and formation of an alliance between us. You may join me at the head of the Rough Riders as a trusted friend, if you choose. Otherwise, we will likely be doomed to continue mindless conflict against each other."
"Uh-oh,looks like alliances are being made. I better ready myself." (Me/B)
I run inside the Homestuck store,and I get Ahab's Chrosshairs.
I respawn,and I start chainsawing the Crawmeraxes.
"An Ultimate Weapon is something that can kill everyone in the mall aside from the person who uses it,most of the time causing everyone to get pissed off! Althought that Ultimate Weapon you used should technically have killed you too. AND ALSO,IT'S T-O-X,NOT FUCKING C-O-X!" (Me/B)
I glued myself to the ground so I wasn't tossed around. And yeah, technically it is an ultimate weapon though. I was mainly using it as a joke but...
I walk around. I see Mr. Cox chainsawing some Crawmeraxes. Little does he know that you can only kill them by attacking their weak spots for massive damage and that meleeing does nothing. I walk around more. A black hole gun? On the ground? I test it out by firing it in random places.
I pause in mid lunge (Yeah for Physics) to address Teddy
''Now,now my friend, that would be much less fun'' before continuing my lunge at Azure
"IN THE NAME OF JACK NOIR,IT'S FUCKING T-O-X! I'M NOT ASKING FOR A LOT,JUST FOR YOU TO SPELL MY NAME CORRECTLY!" (Me)
I then dissapear out of existence for a bit,because I have to go play clarinet.
Shrugging, I shoot Morphine in the back for his refusal to join me. He does an agonizing, pointless death.
I respawn. I pick up a repeater because REPEATERS ARE AWESOME! (Inside joke...)
I fire a few rounds, deem it as crap, and toss it randomly behind me. It explodes and almost kills me. I forgot that this thing is a Tediore gun.
I find some grenade mods in the Box of Gears Land of Borders store. I pick up a Transfusion and throw it at Batman, who was AFK for some reason.
I walk out of the srs business store and grab a ghetto blaster, playing Duel of the Fates in a reggae fashion at full volume.
I come to a corridor, and see some person who appears to be walking to their next destination.
I promptly whack them round the face with my ghetto blaster.
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I return to my headquarters in the gun shop, waiting for further options. The outside of the store is rigged with TNT and dynamite landmines connected to central detonators fortified in the shop. Attacking the shop would mean taking casualties from the explosives, and disabling them would require moving into the store through withering gunfire to terminate the detonators.
I walk out of the Serious business store,holding a bloody clarinet.
"Oh,crap,nobody posted for 10 minutes! IT IS UP TO ME TO RESURRECT THIS THREAD!" (Me)
I have no idea what to do,and I just decide to walk back in the TF2 store.
I accidentally drive through the wall into the mall and park my bus in the frozen goods.
I run out of the TF2 store with a sniper rifle,and I start running to where Dr. Susse is. Little do I know,I pass by the gun store,and I activate a mine,causing an epic explosion,killing me in the process. I respawn in a chinese/japanese/vietnamese restaurant,and I decide to eat miso soup.
A young man, but not too young, walks up to a large mall. "Man, just like the good old days." he says. He unzips his leather jacket from the random hurricane he walked out of and enters the mall.
He see's a few bodies, some oddly familiar. "Hum, man, they sure know how to start a party with out me. Well, better get to it." Connor takes out his Rusty saber and start walking around aimlessly.
My non-existant spider sense starts tingling.
I smash the bowl with my sheer nerd might,and I start walking around the mall,clenching parts of the Valve Rocket Launcher.
Connor walks into the SWORDS SWORDS SWORDS store and takes a katana which droping the shitty starting weapon. "Why did I take this in the first place?" Connor walks outside and see Tox in the distance.
"So nice of you to start with out me Sir Cool Guy teh First(Tox's official cool guy title)"
"Valve rocket launcher HA!" I put on hipster glasses.
"Does that mean its launches are always delayed?"
"Well,excuuuuuuuse me,princess! Somebody had to start Mall Fight 3,even without one of his best friends! But nice to see you." (Me)
I then drop all of the crap I got in the TF2 store,and I only keep the parts of the Valve Rocket Launcher,the Scattergun,the Dead Ringer and the Butterfly Knife.
"Now,before we do this,remember the absolute and unavoidable rule that I'm only talking about now: Do not,and I mean,do not talk about Mall Fight 2." (Me)
I then smash Connor with the parts of the Valve Rocket Launcher.
"And by the way,the Valve Rocket Launcher is real." (Me)
Connor tries his best to hold back the large launcher with his blade, seeing how it's a valve weapon, he barely is able to hold back it's might. Connor than uses all his force to push it back and slashes Tox with the sword.