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"So uh...Sister. Would you like the near future...go out sometime?"

I walk back to the group.
"I'm back fromhaving no internet the shops. I brought a shit ton of kinder Buenos. Anyone want one?"
I notice Salts awful attempts. I pull him away before he can say a word.
"Dude, no no no. That won't work."

"...You're right. I'll just give up fuck this I can't do it sweet Jesus what is wrong with me hell shit fuckfuckfuck."

"Nah man, you gotta play it cool and hard to get. Pretend you're not interested, and be a small bit of a douche to her. Here, go put these on."
I give Salt some 'Chav' clothes.

"I thought being direct was the best way to do this."

"Look dude, who are you gonna trust? The guy with the questionable mental state, or Knife? Just put the clothes on, and she'll soon fall for you."

"Knife, actually."

"Clothes. On. Now."

"I'm just going to try again the normal way."

"We're doing this the hard way then."
I knock Salt out.

I burn Salts clothes.
"Lol nope."

I lie unconscious.

I put the chav clothes over his current burnt ones.
"There we go. Now, give it a while and you'll have the perfect mindset in no time."
I put a tape recorder beside his ear, playing the audio version of 'How to Win Women: Dick Style'.

I wake up and kick Zombie in the dick, before running back into the office and killing myself, respawning with my normal clothes.

"Dude. I'm doing this the old-fashioned way."

"But Sis is a...Modern chick? Just try my way, I'm sure it will work! Please?"

"I am not risking something this big with something you came up with."

"Came up with? Dude, did you see the couples back on earth?"

I perform emergency brain surgery and replace Salts brain with a Kiwi.

"No, and I honestly don't want to."

I die of improper transplanting and respawn.

"Salt! Think about it! Douchebags got the girl! My plan is flawless."

"I'm pretty sure that a person that said girl feels attracted to is the one who 'gets' them."

"Do you get her?"

"My point is, I am not doing what you want me to do."

"See? You don't get her! At least wear the clothes."

I funk my way over.
"You gotta be smoooooooooooooooth."
I melt into a puddle.

"I don't trust you, or your shitty clothes."

"You don't even know what they look like."


My face peers up from the puddle.
"Trust the Douchebaggery Salt. It's the only waaaay."

"Wait...You don't...You don't trust me?"


I punch Salt in the face.
"I'm so telling Sis about you and Paddy again."

Knife walks back over just in time to see Zombie give Salt the clothing and some (shit awful) advice. "Fucking hell Zombie piss off, go take some time out to acually grow that pea sized chunk of muscle you call a brain." He says as he shoos him away.
"Look Salt don't listen to him ok, he's just putting you on. You don't need this," Knife grabs the chav clothes and chucks them in a nearby store. "Look your fine as you are, just be confident, rock up to Sister with some flowers and say 'Sister, would like to go see a movie?' Ok?"

"Everybody kind of knows, dude."

"Thank you Knife, for finally showing me that someone here kept their sanity."

I reform and pat Zombie on the shoulder.
"Hes got his COOOOL NEW FRIIEENDS now."

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