Zero Punctuation: Wolfenstein

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totally epic.

Why wasen't arkham asylum this weeks target?
Or did yahtzee need to wait for the "anti-gimped batman Patch" to come out?

If you read the ending notes, it said he hated postponed release dates. I guess Batman was postponed in Austrailia.

In the tumultuous time, before D Day
There once was a man named BJ
With chocolate box hair and face like a bear
And a jacket he picked up on Ebay

He was out one day, murdering Germans
As they tried to ignite London's Bernon
He beat up some dudes and broke missile tubes
So they both got blown up
That will learn 'em

But while there, he made the discovery
That the Nazis had powers, like no othery
He brought back a bangle, with some mystical angle
To which the Allies responded, "Oh buggery."

At the secret service of Queen Lizzie
BJ's bosses find themselves in a tizzy
They stand up and shout, "BJ, sort this all out.
We'd do it ourselves, but we're busy."

So he's sent to a big German town, where some serious shit's going down
There's an active resistance, in need of assistance
And everything's gone grayish brown

It soon becomes clear that the city's
Been invaded by occult committees
Mystical creatures, and slavering creatures, and gymnats with staunching great titties

You may wonder if this is a sequel
To some pathoral design, or a prequal
Depicting our hero, in a previous era
When he wasn't looked upon as an equal

It's actually meant to succeed "Return to Castle Wolfenstein" day
Which is pretty damn slow, 'cause that was eight years ago
And the memories have gone STALE INDEED

The new Wolfenstein seeks to enthrall, with an ongoing high octane brawl
But it's a game about war, which we've all seen before
And, just like the title, adds "Fuck All"

Any pretense of freshness is gone
In the very outset of "Stage One"
You escape your pursuers, by an underground sewer
So it's starters we mean to go on

Your gun is, of course, your best friend
On which, you must always depend
When you get into fights, you can look down the sides
And bullets come out of the end

Weapon choice doesn't start to exciting
Two machine guns; a rifle for sniping
But later on, BFGs coming with guarantees
To shoot various flavors of lightening

There are soldiers all over the place, who can't take two shots to the face
But, before you pause score, they always re-spawn, and a pretty disquieting pace

You don't need to worry about health, if you're retarded
It allows you it's stealth
Just get behind cover, if you're in a bother
And it'll all come back by itself

It won't help you avoid the bum rape, later on
When getting to scrapes, with powerful blasters
With bing armored bastards, with weak points the size of a grape

To help out, you have on your side
Magic spells, and some crystals provide
On the appropriate cue, the world turn greenish blue
So it looks like your monitor's died

You can take down the big lant in minutes
Start a fight with ten men and still win it
Making weapons divine, or just use bullet time
Which wasn't that great when Max Paine did it

But the powers are hard to sustain
You might think it's too swiftly drained
In the middle of a fight, you'll end up in the shite
And will suffer a whole world of pain

In between all of the shooting, you must also think about looting
'Cause if you want to upgrade, someone has to be paid
And the shopkeepers don't like free booting

Why do all games need upgrading elements
Even ones where it isn't quite relevant?
It means all your big hitters, start off in the shitter
And your aim is unfirm and inelegant

So when you've extinguished the danger, you back-track through all of the chambers
Searching every last nook, for cash and check books
Which you won't find much fun, I would wager

It transpires that the in-game reality
Has pretensions to non-linearality
The game says, "On your bike, go wherever you like,
as long as it's in this principality."

But the freedom's are a mere gilded cage
That adds nothing to inspire or engage
It just means beating feat, on the same boring street
Just to get to the next fucking stage

There's very little to do, except hunt for secrets and money up front
But the reward's pretty lame, all the streets look the same
And the bads keep re-spawning, the cunts

It's not a totally asinine chore
There are optional missions to score
But I went out of my way and found, to my dismay
That, in total, there's only
Like, FOUR

I guess the ultimate question is "Why should I even bother to try?"
Every last MPC fills me with apathy
Am I expected to care when they die?!

I know what you're going to say:
"Yahtzee! You slick Internet paparazzi
Surely it's always fun, to stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!"

Well, if you like starting punch-ups in bars
Or your head has been lodged up your arse
Wolfenstein may give at least some joy de viv
Otherwise, don't bother: two STARZ

Is that all right, or did I mess up on something? (Awesome, by the way. Limmerick XD)

holy hell...he gave it a score....2 stars...

Hey, he had two syllables left, so he had to use them or else it wouldn't have been a complete limerick. It was a nice review, and funny as well, but I might get it anyway. I'm a sucker for sci-fi Nazi stuff.

Yahtzee, you stonking great writer
This video's now in the fight for
My favorite review
Created by you...
Screw rhyme pattern, I loved it.


that shows how much actually cared about the game; he beat it and then spent the whole rest of the week thinking of rhymes

Actually, it is the only game in the series to be called just Wolfenstein.


Yahtzee you are truely a poet.

And he didn't even know it.

He could rhyme.
Of course, he could any time.

He should indeed win the noble prize in literature for this. Any one ho had once questioned his genius is swiftly learning to shut the f**k up.

Damn, this review sure was great!
Out of 5 stars I'd give it an 8!
Okay, not quite really.
That just sounds too silly,
But one of the best yet to date.

OMG. He actually did it in limericks...

Creative review. Must have taken some time. Very nice. $5 says at least 3 people on Youtube try to do limerick reviews of something after watching this & fail.

Holy crap! That was AWESOME.

If Yahtzee posts another "Zero Punctuation, BUT WITH A TWIST!" video in a row, I'm gonna puke blood. Puke. Blood.

Day late, don't care.

    Best. Yahtzee. Ever.

That is all.

Best review yet.
you should do limericks in other reviews


so much for not believeing in scores... he could have just said it was shit like MOST of the other games hes reviewed.

Best review yet, no ifs ands or buts. Really outdid yourself on this one Yahtzee.

that was the best ever one.


Delicious Anathema:
So Wolfenstein is Gears of War in the 1940's. Well that's a shame.

I'm sick of greyish brown in videogames. Why can't we have 1950's-Technicolor-looking shooters?
COLORS! The main selling point of consoles and computers back in the day, trashed by post apocalyptic loving minions.

You've given me an idea.

Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat: the FPS experience.

Right on, saturated colors without loss of detail. Genius!

Wow Lmao that was nice, How do u do it ^^


I know what you're going to say:
"Yahtzee! You slick Internet paparazzi
Surely it's always fun, to stick the butt of a gun
Up the ass of a goose-stepping Nazi!"

You asked if you got anything wrong. I'm not sure but I do know that either you or Yahtzee messed up on that verse. The butt of a gun is the part you tuck against your shoulder, so if you stuck it up the ass of a Nazi and pulled the trigger it would shoot the bullet away from the Nazi's ass.

I cannot even describe the level of awesome this review acheives...

Oh, wait I just went back and watched the tail end of the review, and yes, he does stick the butt of the gun up the deserving Nazi's arse.

Yahtzee you magnificent bastard, that was beautiful.

Were the limericks that necessary? Although I'll admit it was a bit funny. Can't wait for the Arkham review next week.

Probably not but this game is a remake of remake of the one the original Wolfenstein 3D. A game that's the ancestor of every FPS game that ever came out in the last couple of decades. I can't think of anything more to do than a poem.

Haha, this review was the best one in a while. The limerick was great.


Yahtzee you magnificent bastard, that was beautiful.

Indeed +1

Edit: 1st post and this review is to blame.

Best One Yet! Lmao!


That was quite funny, that must have taken a while to write. :)

I think this will be remembered as one of his all time best ZPs ever.

I can't help but wonder what the Wolfenstein design team thinks of this review.

You've done it again, Yahtzee. The limerick thing was absolutely fucking brilliant.

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