Zero Punctuation: Bulletstorm

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A gun w/ flaming tits all for not.

Hey, hey, hey--don't try to sound clever and ironically distinguished unless YOU FUCKING LEARN TO PHRASE THE CLICHE CORRECTLY. The word is "naught," meaning zero, worthless, nada. Tool.

Go ahead and put me on probation, somebody's got to stand up for fucking grammar on this website full of over-gamed uneducated fucktards.

Now was that really necessary? And what, exactly, did you gain from this?

But since you asked, there you go, have a report from me. (:


A gun w/ flaming tits all for not.

Hey, hey, hey--don't try to sound clever and ironically distinguished unless YOU FUCKING LEARN TO PHRASE THE CLICHE CORRECTLY. The word is "naught," meaning zero, worthless, nada. Tool.

Go ahead and put me on probation, somebody's got to stand up for fucking grammar on this website full of over-gamed uneducated fucktards.

I don't see why it matters as long as you can understand what the person is saying.


And yet another poo poo pancake reviewed by Yahtzee...

You realize that the entire point to ZP is to ruthlessly rage on whatever game happens to be crossing his path, right? Honestly, his videos are 6 minute long sprees of vitriol because anger is the easiest button to push on the day to day Escapist denizen. It's not "another panning", it's ZP where it's all pans all the time.[1]

Marik Bentusi:

Why did we start making "not fun" games?

Probably because better graphics demanded making use of them, tilting everything towards realism.

By your logic, since everyone seems to have such a nerd-on for classic era games, moving past 8 bit graphics was a mistake. The medium develops and with it the means and talent that can go into them. Saying "Baww, it's pretty so obviously that's why I didn't like it, they spend more time on the graphics than the 'fun'" doesn't suggest a decline in developer priorities, it's an indication that you won't like every game that comes out, even if they're from your favorite genre. If they can make something look great now in the same time it would have taken them to make something look good three years ago, why are you crapping on their initiative to do so?

OT: While I realize arguing against a ZP is about as effective a waste of time as you can get... I'm bored and I enjoy Bulletstorm so what the hell, I'll point out where he's just plain wrong.

On Realism[2]
So sliding twelve feet on your ass and still having enough momentum to send someone end over end with your boot is...
So being able to kick someone across a hotel lobby is...
So being able to put a rope around someone's neck and pull them to you from two stories up is...
So PCF's attempt to have 50% of the color spectrum onscreen at any one time was...
So being able to steer a bullet in flight or separate someone's funzone from the rest of their body, kick a mine without it exploding, slowing time to launch someone into the air then light them on fire and cut them in half is... (and the killer thing is he mentions all of this later on so I'm not sure if he's "taking the piss" or he wrote each half of the episode on two separate days)
On chest-high walls
First, yes there are chest-high walls, but there is no GoW cover system, or ANY cover system for that matter. The environments would be pretty barren without crap littered all over the place (some less chest-high-ier than others) and ducking behind a wall not to get your ass blown off isn't a tired mechanic, it's limiting the chance of getting a superfluous new orifice. They don't need to put platforms covering all the bottomless pits in Mario, you need to jump.
On pacing
There's an entire game mode where you are being timed and rewarded for completing the stage quickly. Who exactly is playing to suggest that Bulletstorm is slow paced? Mice become slow paced if you put them in a freezer first. There's nothing to inhibit you from having a guns-blazing firepower romp through each level. Going on to complain that "enemies don't line up for the charged shots" kind of takes the piss when your kick and leash are all there in order to change how enemies line up, not to mention circle strafing and sliding. The game just won't hold your hand while you do it and the AI isn't as retarded as all hell.

I mean that alot of the games that Yahtzee reviews, turn out to be crap. Nothing more. Sorry 'bout that.

[1] And before someone jumps me on it, yes he has given positive rambles to games (Painkiller and Saintsrow 2 most notably, since he keeps referencing them) but here's the rub; Those games, for whatever reason, rubbed Yahtzee "the right way". Opinions, kickbacks, snobbish non-mainstream attitude, whatever. They're no less flawed than Bulletstorm or any other game he pisses on, he just keeps his criticism saved for a small addendum at the end of the clip to hide that it's still shit.
Painkiller - The story is entirely needless and entirely forgotten during actual gameplay but you wouldn't think it how the way cinematics bang on and on emptying huge wastebins filled with half-baked expositional dialogue onto our screaming faces because they were determined to crowbar this shit in somewhere... the storyline can go fuck itself.
[2] The human enemies are resembling your co-workers, in-laws and probation officers, with their mohawks, tatoos and piercings... wait what?

I wasn't expecting Bulletstorm to reinvent the wheel... pretty much all of the reviews I've seen have confirmed this belief.

But then something happened to them :(
Suddenly it wasn't OK to have fun shooting things (even a virtual thing) and shooters (for some reason) became taboo.

It was about the time that walking diagonally stopped making you go faster.

I went into Bulletstorm expecting a new frantic screw-cover over-the-top-enemies carry-all-your-guns we-don't-care-about-no-backstory shooter.
Needless to say I was disappointed.
It is way too similar to Gears of War (which is not necessarily a bad thing) when it was marketed as mindless fun ( la Painkiller).

bulletstorm had what sounded like the cheesiest, most immature dialogue ever. but gamplay and gun design was ball-tinglingly awesome

Oh, Sir Wally McChesthigh, you never let us down. Instead, you force us down.

The difference between the Republican Space Rangers or stand-up comedians making dick/homo jokes and space marines or Dead Rising 2's motorcycle psycho is the timing. When done well, it's fast, furious, and works as a joke; these guys, however, take too long to make the joke and just make it awkward.

Yeah i also downloa..... BOUGHT this game but due to annoying things like final exams i could not play it. But now i really want to see how the game is....IF I DON"T COME BACK ALIVE TELL MY WIFE I WAS THE ONE WHO LEFT THE TOILET SEAT UP

Pikey Mikey:
I also played it on Hard and I think it was really fun, except for those fucking snipers and the fact that sniping an enemy in the balls was almost impossible (for me), because as soon as the (normal) bullet got near they would just cower and start running to the side, urgh, charge shot was great tough =)

May be a moot point by now but for future reference; you're absolutely right, pegging a nut shot is nearly impossible if you let the bullet get too close to the target and they start dashing (getting a nut shot using the PMC was tricky business for me a lot of the time, but that has more to do with hit detection). But you can either get their junk in your crosshairs and press "B" immediately upon firing or press it to cancel bullet control once you've flown the bullet onto a good trajectory, making nut cracker much easier to obtain, add Bluff for extra zazz.

Health regin was around before halo. You are right. Halo was about when it became big. Still I blam microsoft and EA. Seems like anything that this companies have to touch slowly dies. Plus how people are letting there kids play games. Which are forcing more and more games to be dumbed down to the point that the game could play it self. Look at Dragon Age 2. That game playes it self all you need to do is move one person. I miss the old school games. Where they spend mass ammount of time on single player games. A time when gaming was more of a hobby and not like a over price movie. Now people care more about rage doll animation and preaty graphics over game play and story. Which is why we get a ton of shit game with poorly made muiltiplayer extra parts.

If I was so intresting in being sociol I would go out side and hang out with people. I do not buy a game so some retard dev forces me to hang out with a bunch of retards. Hello I did not pay 50+ dollars to hang out on the short bus.

Fucking retard muiltiplayer fan boys.

Nice review... but if you play this game going from cover to cover, hence actually NOTICE the "abundance" of chest-high walls (there really aren't that many), then you're playing it wrong.




you knew what you were going into, its on the box, can you please stop harping on about the god damn chest high walls? no? aw...

you don't review shit, by saying "its perfectly edible" just because you knew it was shit when you ordered it!

it still tastes SHIT!

also, just fyi, chest high walls is purely gameplay, its not engine related. no, the thing they had to use that restricted gameplay to chest high walls, was not the engine, it was probably the controller...

wow, nice yahtzee impression, with flawed logic and a hint of idiocy.

what do you think the gameplay is based on, THE ENGINE, i may know as i did a small project using the unreal engine, much of the functionality is based on chest high walls, meaning the requirements to make a non-cover based shooter is harder and requires more balancing that, lets say, developers on a schedule and budget dont have the resources for.

the controller has absolutely nothing to do with it, the game does not require more than 12 buttons (not including start and back), 2 triggers that are very dynamic and 2 joysticks. the only game style that really requires a reduction are RPG's/strategy, anything more is laziness on the devs part, which is besides the point due to that fact that this is a FIRST PERSON SHOOTER.

please at least learn a little about how games work, preferably before you start making a FPS on the engine for peggle.


I'm a game engine programmer at a respectable games company...
I know a little about it.

however I also know the definition of "engine" is subjective, and I haven't used the unreal engine.
(Peggle, for instance is built on the 'PopCap Games Framework' a framework is usually a higher layer that sits on top of engine modules)

'engines' can stretch from a platform specific 'fps game maker' to just the bare basic graphics pipeline and a bunch of modules for base subsystems (networking, physics ect) sometimes without even a 'game' framework to tie it all together. hell, I'm pretty sure people have made third person shooters in the starcraft 2 world editor!

if Unreal's system is really that restrictive, thats a shame, though it wouldn't surprise me given the level of desperation with which they pimp their middle-ware at ever convention I've been to...
I mean... I can't even see how limiting to chest high walls would even be related to a technical limitation... the only thing I can think of is that this is what the built in generic AI system is designed for... fair enough... but that is some REAL lazy developers...

if they just re-released gears of war with "gow" crossed out, and "Bulletstorm" written in in crayon, you wouldn't blame GOW for not magically transforming into a different game with no work! and when you see names like "Epic Games" and "EA" on the box... you can't really sympathize for their lack of development resources... I'm pretty sure the Engine dictating gameplay at our studio would get someone hanged...

also, I played an fps using a controller after coming off the PC with my mouse and keyboard. and I found it intolerably retarded. however, I do like the cover based systems, having played the original time crisis on the ps1 with a controller (because I was too cheap to get the gun!).
still... I'm sure I could get used to it...

what the fuck yatzhee.
I played this game on hard difficulty and spent close to ZERO seconds in cover. all i did was run around flanking enemies and massarcre them in bunches, which you said was impossible.

and I died only like 4 or 5 times during the entire game.

learn to play, don't hate the game

edit: I must add, I usually almost always agree with you, which is why this comes as such a shock.

Why is Bulletstorm reading a gay magazine? lol.

played it my self and i actually like it. i hardly spend time in cover, dint had any problems to use the powerful shot on the enemy. have to mention that i play it on the PC and dint had any problems what so ever he said. for the special shot i just press V and LMB and i got it. really easy. i guess a controller is not easy to use for him :P.
anyway. fun game. have really fun with it.

I don't know what all the bad press is about. Bulletstorm was a great first-person shooter with crude yet hilarious dialogue. I almost didn't play it because of this review but I'm really glad I did. It's a refreshing change from the usual tough guy "oorah" FPS's out there.

And based on Yahtzee's other reviews, I would have thought games where you're rewarded for shooting someone in the nuts would've been right up his alley...

Yahtzee needs to make up his mind, does he want realism or not? In other reviews he expresses disapproval if the game isn't realistic, but here he doesn't want it to be.

It was ok, but i'm having trouble finishing linear shooters. I really thought this was Gears of War 3 (which is also overrated) when I first saw it on the cover of Gameinformer.

I bought this game and played through it twice (once on hard, once on very hard). Well worth my money. Not sure why Yahtzee gave it such a shitty review. Painkiller that kind of game play can be super tiresome. The enemies in Bulletstorm are actually a bit varied, some just charge at your, some tried to be tactical, some do both (like the jackass skull shotgun guys).

I used cover and I also died many a times playing it but I had fun. I hope there's a sequel.

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