Zero Punctuation: Sonic Unleashed

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As always, the funniest thing on Wednesdays.

Frankly I'm amazed Yahtzee wasted his time with this game since pretty much every reviewer not nintendo seems tired to death with Segas bullshit and have already tore them apart in their reviews.

He gave me the impression for a second he was going to say something the other reviewers had not, but I guess not x.x what surprises me even more is that he made almost no comment whatsoever about the semi retarded sonic fanbase. No offence guys but sonic fans range from sain people to bat shit insain furrys

rofl - awesome review - dont blame yahtzee for not liking it, i went to college with sum1 ho bummed sonic to the fucking max and i so want him to see this - hopefully he'll hang himself along with sonic.

love the ending, shooting him and using him as a litter pick up device lol luv it yahtzee!!

Sonic got what he deserved. Or it deserved. Although i enjoyed the retro games, these last Sonic games were pissing me off. Luckily, I don't pay for them, idiots do. (as in: neighbors)

lmfao you REALLY hated that one huh

Yahtzee, that was without a doubt the harshest review you've ever given. No matter how bad a game is, you're supposed to let them down gently, not throw them face first off the top of the Empire State Building into the New York sewer system................. well actually, now that I think about it, sonic is pretty much played out......... yeah never mind.
Very F***ing Funny, I laughed out loud when I just saw the title of the review, keep it up man!

image
Image of Win

Wow, this is easily the funniest review Yahtzee has done in over a year.

Pretty much got that game spot on. Sonic Unleashed is as entertaining as cancer.

I thought he wasn't getting worked up?

They would probably make much better money by making a re-make of the old Sonic and Hedgehog games. I know remaking doesn't seem to take much talent or innovation or anything, but at least they'd be releasing something that seems like it's worth buying.

Sonic Unleashed seems okay mostly. Sonic however has almost become a dead horse.

Seems like Yahtzee reviewed the 360/ps3 version because the wii/ps2 version at least did not make you do all the navigating around and was quite linear. But the sad part was that this was the best sonic title we have had but they really need to knock off the crazy story and just make it sonic and robotnik again with no crazy outside forces making the last level be a super sonic stage

looking forward to the adventurous sex aid!
very good review feels like a return to character.

My god. The sheer force of his hatred for this game is tangible. I feel sticky from all the bile.

I grew up with sonic it was a genesis house hold to my brothers moved to play station and I moved to nintendo and I love to see sonic in a game. I loved it so much I bought sonic the hedgedhog on the PS3 thinking it would be good but I was gravely mistaken. In my point of few the last good 3-D sonic game is sonic adventure 2:Battle sure sonic heroes is all right but it just gets boring having to finish all the levels with all 4 teams.

The only good sonic game of recent memory was the one made by Bioware for the DS, though the ending for that was rather abrupt and really lame for what was an amazingly entertaining game. The battle was fun, kept you on your toes, the characters were in character and thankfully they kept the cast small. I do want to try this game, but so help me, there are so many wrong things going on here.

SLOW HIM DOWN. Sonic was, like someone said, about side-scrolling and exploring areas while being "fast" but not so fast that you can't bloody well control him. Why doesn't anyone understand this? Oi.

Sonic Unfinished? Just had to slip it it right at the end Yahtzee?
Reviews like this brighten my day by letting me known there is some one out there more frustrated and agitated then me, my hat off to you Yahtzee, thanks for taking one for the team.

so not much good then?

Lewrawen:

Quadtrix:
Silly Yahtzee. Did Star Wars: The Force Unleashed teach you nothing? Never buy the Wii version of multi-platform games. After all, the 360 version of Sonic Unleashed has enormous, well detailed levels; better werehog gameplay, and a better world map from what I hear.

QFT

No. You're both completely wrong. The Wii vesion is the "good" version of this game. (But it's still not very good.)

http://www.metacritic.com/search/process?sort=relevance&termType=all&ts=Sonic+Unleashed&ty=0&x=0&y=0

And Yahtzee had the nerve to accuse other people of being Drama whores...

CMWaters:

Roto13:
Can we please stop acting like Sonic Rush and Sonic Rush Adventure aren't great games now? Because they are. And they're from this generation.

Just because they're on a handheld, that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Sonic Chronicles too.

Seconded... er... thirded.

Roto13:

Lewrawen:

Quadtrix:
Silly Yahtzee. Did Star Wars: The Force Unleashed teach you nothing? Never buy the Wii version of multi-platform games. After all, the 360 version of Sonic Unleashed has enormous, well detailed levels; better werehog gameplay, and a better world map from what I hear.

QFT

No. You're both completely wrong. The Wii vesion is the "good" version of this game. (But it's still not very good.)

http://www.metacritic.com/search/process?sort=relevance&termType=all&ts=Sonic+Unleashed&ty=0&x=0&y=0

I call bull, as it is selling more, and by the Wii, we all know crap sells more. :P

BTW, this review is done very well and if it means anything is the review with the most paragraphs and characters and words and is the most descriptive.

http://www.hardcoregamer.com/index.php?option=com_magazine&id_rubrique=1&type=article&id_article=228

Oh, and look at the reader reviews.

http://www.metacritic.com/games/platforms/xbox360/sonicunleashed?q=sonic%20unleashed#users

2 points higher than the Wii. Critics = Bumbling monkeys. Fans = mix of bumbling monkeys and reasonable people.

Verbal bombardment of this magnitude should have left a mushroom cloud visible from space. The "Ol' Yeller" moment at the end was particularly rich. And then there was that trailer, which was pretty awesome- a nice editing job on that one.

Also, it seems that this was one of the longer ZP episodes- roughly 5 minutes, not counting the trailer and requisite "buy our swag" reminder at the end. I think Yahtzee's been storing up a rather heavy backlog of venom and found the perfect opportunity to vent.

Holy crap he ripped it to shreds. probably not even shreds more like eroded it like a tub of acid.

really, really, pissed off acid.

also it was really funny.

Great review, was laughing all the way through. Got to say it sounds like sonic really is dead

Super Racer Z:
[quote="Roto13" post="6.80572.1056699"]

2 points higher than the Wii. Critics = Bumbling monkeys. Fans = mix of bumbling monkeys and reasonable people.

Wrong, there are no such thing as reasonable people that like Sonic.

Anywho a nice and long review, I can kinda feel the hatred pouring into my head phones. Off topic but I would understand if Yahtzee never reviews Far Cry 2 because sorry what was I talking about? Oh yeah Far Cry 2 or as I call it Nap Time 2. All the bugs and crappyness of the first one It was still fun to play, to a point.

Super Racer Z:

Roto13:

Lewrawen:

Quadtrix:
Silly Yahtzee. Did Star Wars: The Force Unleashed teach you nothing? Never buy the Wii version of multi-platform games. After all, the 360 version of Sonic Unleashed has enormous, well detailed levels; better werehog gameplay, and a better world map from what I hear.

QFT

No. You're both completely wrong. The Wii vesion is the "good" version of this game. (But it's still not very good.)

http://www.metacritic.com/search/process?sort=relevance&termType=all&ts=Sonic+Unleashed&ty=0&x=0&y=0

I call bull, as it is selling more, and by the Wii, we all know crap sells more. :P

BTW, this review is done very well and if it means anything is the review with the most paragraphs and characters and words and is the most descriptive.

http://www.hardcoregamer.com/index.php?option=com_magazine&id_rubrique=1&type=article&id_article=228

Oh, and look at the reader reviews.

http://www.metacritic.com/games/platforms/xbox360/sonicunleashed?q=sonic%20unleashed#users

2 points higher than the Wii. Critics = Bumbling monkeys. Fans = mix of bumbling monkeys and reasonable people.

Ha ha ha, wow, that's pretty sad. You're going by user reviews. Right. The user reviews that ranked Gears of War 2 at a 6 before the game actually came out.

Pro tip: Most of the people who submit user reviews have never actually played the game they're reviewing.

Yes, this is the most brutal Yahtzee review since "The Witcher" (which I actually liked, but then again I'm an RPG person).

Even as an RPG person I can't comment on how the Sonic RPG is (someday I might try it when it's cheap), but other than that, yeah... Sonic has lost all the magic. I'm not sure if the problem is the character so much as the inabillity of anyone to capture the right blend of innovation and nostolgia to make the label succeed. Most attempts turn into giant stinking piles of poo, and the problem actually probably IS that they use "retards" to make these kinds of 'series' games rather than industry veterans with real talent who are usually on other projects.

Of course I don't know who was on the design team, but I'm making a wild guess that Yahtzee hit that part on the head more or less.

The whole "Hulking Out" Sonic idea seems so retarded that I can't quite fathom how it ever got through the approval process. It's one thing when the young, unproven, game designers who are trying to prove that they are NOT retarded, work on their own little maverick projects (nothing to lose if they turn out horrible really), but on a series like this one, especially with so many failures, you'd expect there to at least be some pretty hefty oversight.

>>>----Therumancer--->

I really liked this. Far better than Game Damage.

Roto13:

Super Racer Z:

Roto13:

Lewrawen:

Quadtrix:
Silly Yahtzee. Did Star Wars: The Force Unleashed teach you nothing? Never buy the Wii version of multi-platform games. After all, the 360 version of Sonic Unleashed has enormous, well detailed levels; better werehog gameplay, and a better world map from what I hear.

QFT

No. You're both completely wrong. The Wii vesion is the "good" version of this game. (But it's still not very good.)

http://www.metacritic.com/search/process?sort=relevance&termType=all&ts=Sonic+Unleashed&ty=0&x=0&y=0

I call bull, as it is selling more, and by the Wii, we all know crap sells more. :P

BTW, this review is done very well and if it means anything is the review with the most paragraphs and characters and words and is the most descriptive.

http://www.hardcoregamer.com/index.php?option=com_magazine&id_rubrique=1&type=article&id_article=228

Oh, and look at the reader reviews.

http://www.metacritic.com/games/platforms/xbox360/sonicunleashed?q=sonic%20unleashed#users

2 points higher than the Wii. Critics = Bumbling monkeys. Fans = mix of bumbling monkeys and reasonable people.

Ha ha ha, wow, that's pretty sad. You're going by user reviews. Right. The user reviews that ranked Gears of War 2 at a 6 before the game actually came out.

Pro tip: Most of the people who submit user reviews have never actually played the game they're reviewing.

While that is true sometimes, it's better than the always biased against sonic critics who actually lie and make up reasons to hate it (i.e. gamespot and definitely Hilary's "review").

Swampmarshexpress:

Super Racer Z:

2 points higher than the Wii. Critics = Bumbling monkeys. Fans = mix of bumbling monkeys and reasonable people.

Wrong, there are no such thing as reasonable people that like Sonic. ...

That's fanism right thar. Just because someone likes something that a lot of brain dead zombies likes doesn't mean he WILL be a brain dead zombie, just that he is most likely to be one. Of course, it's better to talk to one and learn if he's reasonable than to trust a reviewer/stranger who may or may not be as sane as a brain damaged child.

So you're just one of those people who thinks everyone who doesn't agree with you is biased, then?

K.

I really liked Sonic and Knuckles when I was a kid. That was the game that made me a gamer, and convinced me to convince my parents to get me a Mega Drive. Although at that point I didn't know Tails existed and I found the novelty of being able to climb up walls better than sliced bread.

As soon as I saw humans and heard the shitty dialogue of Sonic Adventure, I was out. The DS games are good little platformers, but the never ending need to cater for 3 year old Japanese kids and bang on and on about 'friendship' drives me insane! Sonic is about stomping on robots, freeing useless fuzzy little sprites and collecting rings instead of stomping mushrooms and turtles and collecting coins.

Bring us bot stomping, ring gathering, emerald-mini games, outerspace death star final zones, and cut the kiddy bs, because you're not even brining new kids to your franchise.

Sonic... *Sigh*... requiescat in pace

Roto13:
So you're just one of those people who thinks everyone who doesn't agree with you is biased, then?

K.

Well yes, if you disagree with someones opinion, you are biased against their opinion. I really shouldn't use the word Bias, because it's virtually a directed opinion. If you go in reviewing a game expecting it to be bad and expecting to hate it, you are biased against it. Of course, the opposite is still biased aswell, just for him.

Know what, just forget I mentioned that word.

i found it brilliant and extremely correct. also i mightve peed a little

And if this wasn't enough I think they're working on ANOTHER ONE, but in this there are...swords...
Oh, and King Arthur is evil and the leader of the Black Knights...yeah...

I figured before too long Sonic's going to pilot mechs and have rechargeable shields.

Oh, and getting on topic of the review. I expected this much, I've kinda avoided sonic games after they jumped on the 3D train. Mainly it was Sonic Adventure or one of those that just killed it for me. Yet, I keep seeing sonic games sprout up like some kind of vile weed that won't die.

The sad/funny thing about it though, Sonic is Sega's mascot, too (not too good for the company image if your representing series blows). So that's probably why they're so frantic to keep him from flat-lining, although they're not doing a very good job (ex. Sonic and the Secret Rings). Unless they can pull off some kind of amazing miracle *chuckles to self*, they might have to start looking at a new mascot
(if they haven't already).

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