Welcome to Sburb! (Dead and Over)

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>Greg: As Rich drops a MUTILATED TRAINING DUMMY on the CRUXTRUDER lid, it pops off, releasing a bright orange KERNALSPRITE. Man, you forgot how heavy those things were.

The KERNALSPRITE floats over to you.

The CRUXTRUDER TIMER begins to count down. 20:00

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>Chas: As you inset the CRUXTRITE TOTEM, a DRAMATIC PAUSE occurs. Suddenly, after an ANTICLIMATIC FLASH OF LIGHT, an item appears on the ALCHEMITER.

You made a SHITTY ALTERNIAN BATTLE-AX! -10 Build Grist, -6 Chalk Grist.

What the? You can't use this. It's not a fork! And what the hell is Alternia anyway? Man, you just got trolled.

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>Dirk: Your DELAYED ACTION LIMB REMOVAL SLASH succeeds in defeating the Shale IMP! You loot 8 units of Shale Grist from its remains.

You also level up! You are no longer a lowly Nerd Tike, you have earned the somewhat respectable rank of Boy Otaku! +125 Boondollars!

>Connor: Do what it takes to survibe.

You pester Beth on your dad's laptop.

You start installing the GAME DISK on your DAD'S LAPTOP as you head to your apartment.

You go into your apartment and open your Pip-ventory and add as much stuff you can hold.

Currently holding:
2 game disk: WH=1
Level 5 Clothing: WH=7
Laptop: WH=5

You pick up:

1 Red Rocket Softball bat: WH= 7
1 Alloy bat: WH=5
Some Nachos: WH=1

CURRENT TOTAL WEIGH: 26 out of 30

You get on your computer and see if Xavier is doing OK. He is apparently doing OK, so OK. You wait for Beth to Pester you.

>Connor: As you attempt to connect to Beth's server, an error screen comes up. It doesn't look like you'll be able to connect to her copy.

You try to calm down and think about who else would have an open server copy.

>Dirk: Get more grist

The little guys drop GRIST? And they make you STRONGER? Holy shit, you've gotta get some GRINDING done! You wonder where you can find some mo--hey what was that?

Ah a connection finally.
You've been having problems.
Someones pestering you.

That was a little odd.
You look around but can't make out anything in particular.
Oh wait.
>BTH:Call out to see if anyone is there

>Dirk: Pester friends

As much fun as you're having with the senseless slaughter of these IMPS, you feel you should really get some stuff done. You pull up PESTERCHUM on your SIS' phone to try and find someone to talk to. It appears that CONNOR and BETH are both online. After almost THREE SECONDS of thought you pick CONNOR to PESTER.

Despite what you said, you don't really feel like SLAUGHTERING IMPS right now. Instead you go and check on Chas. You see to your surprise that he is... making items on the ALCHEMITER. Hey, that looks FUN! You'd like to do that, but you don't have access to those items. You attempt to contact your SERVER PLAYER.

LIFE is GOOD.

>Chas: Observe shitty axe.

Look at this ridiculous piece of shit. It would take someone either straight out of a JRPG or with ridiculous alien strength to wield it. You're pretty sure this thing couldn't fit in your specibus even if you tried.

>Chas: Make more shit.

A short conversation with your GRANDFATHER reveals that you can combine PUNCHED CARDS. You decide that the best course of action is to go on an alchemy binge and combine the ever-loving shit out of your stuff, probably resulting in some HEROIC DUDS. However, you're almost out of CHALK GRIST, and your GRIST CACHE maxes out too quickly to pay for anything really badass.

And yet you think you know a way to boost it enough.

>Chas: Re-wear serious business suit.

You return to your room and equip the SUIT. You're a professional. Professionals have standards.

Standards like kill all imps.

>Chas: Break heads.

You step outside the house as scarf-wearing white imps turn their heads to you. You turn their heads to your LUCKY FORK, in the form of IMPALING THEM on your LUCKY FORK.

> Xavier: Look out the window
All you see is endless clouds and falling feathers, it so peaceful and beautiful; its almost as this is the resting place for lost souls, you gotta tell someone about this.

> Xavier: Pester Connor

> ==>
My phone dies.
Sonofabitch!

> Xavier: Throw phone is disgust
I do so.
Lousy goddamn technology!

Xavier: Use your Father's computer
I do so.
Looks like Father has a new woman on his hands.

> Xavier: Read what she wrote
"hey cutie :)
just checkin out your profile, i think ur pretty cute.
write me back k ;)"

Wait, the hell are you doing!? You have no time for random bitches!

> Xavier: Download Pesterchum and pester someone
I do so.

> ==>
You hate yourself, any good feeling you had has just up and left.

> Xavier: Make the goddamn server or something
You make an server and call it "Connor_is_uncool" and make the password "uncoolguysix"

(lololololololol)

>Greg:Wait patiently

You wait while Rich sets up the items you will need to avoid meteoric death,the bright orange KERNELSPRITE floating beside you.As you watch Rich make more of a mess of your LIVING ROOM you hear a beep on your PDA,telling you that a CHUM is pestering you.You look down to see that it is your CLIENT PLAYER.It would appear he needs you on your PC,so before you answer him you head back into your room,the KERNELSPRITE following behind you.

That should keep him out of trouble for awhile.However he has peeked your INTEREST and once Rich is done you definitely want to play around with this ALCHEMITER.Once you're safe from the IMPENDING METEORS of course.

>Connor:Connect to Xavier's server.

FUUUUUUUUUUUU, you can't. This sucks. You pester Chas.

>==>

Well your fucked. You head up to the roof with your lap top and sit next to your dad at the edge and offer him some nachos. THIS! SUCKS!

>Chas: Take a break from your imp rampage.

You are absolutely COVERED in imp gore. Absolutely LATHERED from HEAD TO TOE in the blood of your opponents. Or, you would, if there was imp gore. These guys aren't really all that tough. You're entirely sure the George Michael prototyping made them entirely wimpy.

>Chas: Return to alchemiter.

You walk back over to the ALCHEMITER when two chums decide to pester you. You tell CONNOR that you're pretty busy with all your item shit, and then, hey, it's this asshole.

That is the most bullshit name you have ever heard. You figured alien chicks would have at LEAST one apostrophe in their names.

Still, the fork thing was a pretty good idea.

>Chas: Do the fork thing.

You run around the HOUSE, do the WEIRD PUZZLE ROUTINE, and take the resulting combined totem to the ALCHEMITER. You cannot explain your excitement. Will it be a BATTLE-FORK? A FORK-AX? A LASER-FORK? A laser fork would be so cool.

totem reading souuuuuund

>Dirk: Watch Chas

Oh HOLY SHIT, you can COMBINE ITEMS? That is so amazing you are going to do that as soon as possible. But before you accomplish that, you are interrupted by someone UNEXPECTED.

>Dirk: Prototype!

You head back to your ROOM and grab a poster off the wall.

Yeah. THAT'll do nicely. You take a quick look at your SYLLADEX to see if there's any CARDS open.

Yeah, there is some pretty crazy stuff in there. You make a mental note to ditch the STUPID PRINCE OF TENNIS CARD and make some new CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS at the ALCHEMITER to replace it. You stick the POSTER in the TTGL CARD that was emptied after you grabbed your SPARE SHADES to wear. You then walk out into the GAME ROOM to find GUNDAMSPRITE enthralled by your BIG SIS' D&D GAME TABLE. You decide to make your move quickly, before it moves. You grab your KAMINA POSTER and smack the GUNDAMSPRITE upside the head with it, only to be caught in a BLINDING LIGHT.

PCHOOOOOOOO

>Connor: Fuck death! Be the cool guy!

Your right, YOU ARE THE COOL GUY, AND YOUR NOT GONNA GIVE UP!

You tell your dad you got to go save him and yourself! YOU ARE ON A MISSION! You open up pester chum and pester Chas.

> ==>

Aw who are you kidding, your gonna die. You start browsing 4chan again, go to /h/, and view porn for the last time. Then your dad turns around and gets a glimpse of your screen.

> Xavier: Wait for the 'cool guy'
Yeah, he's not joining. Thank Gog.
You mean God.

> Xavier: Inspect your inventory
You have nothing better to do.

> ==>
Its all pretty unimportant, once you reflect on it.

> Xavier: Explain your sylladex
Its a RANDOM NUMBER GENERATOR, to put something in a RANDOM NUMBER is picked, to get something out a RANDOM NUMBER is picked. If there's ever a CONFLICT, the original PLACEHOLDER is ejected. Its a cruel mistress but it has a lot of cards for just a beginning modus.

> Xavier: Inspect your weaponry
Okay.

> Xavier: Have a realization
I look over at TEDDYSPRITE, then my SYLLADEX, then my STRIFE SPECIBUS.
Wow, I suck.

>Dirk: Man wiping out all those IMPS really boosted your stats! You're now a level 5 Plucky Kid, and have 247 units of Build Grist, 36 of Shale Grist, and 21 of Chalk.

You also create KAMINASPRITE! You proceed to have this conversation:

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>Chas: Defeating more IMPS increases your stats! You're a level 6 Tough Tot! You have 78 units of Build Grist, 49 of Chalk, and 38 of Shale.

As you place the totem on the ALCHEMITER, you are rewarded with... something you can't make yet. You don't know what it is, but it costs 125 units of Build Grist, and 15 of a type you don't have yet.

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>Connor: Your DAD looks at your monitor. He looks back to you. Now back to the screen. Now back to you.

He looks very disappointed. He walks away, but it's pretty likely he'll have something to say on this later. Assuming you both don't die.

>Chas: Revel.

Wow, that silhouette looks pretty fucking badass at least. You're pretty used to enduring disappointment at this point, but you're not about to throw a bathtub through your wall and enter the climactic reveal-room quite yet. Not until you're good and goddamn ready.

You have another really, really good idea.

>Chas: Grab PROBLEM SLEUTH GAME.

You punch, rinse, and repeat. Let's say you're down to 7 cards right now, because you haven't really been keeping track. You combine your SERIOUS BUSINESS SUIT AND HAT with your PROBLEM SLEUTH GAME. If this doesn't work out, you're probably going to fork someone. Right in the eyes, too. That'll teach game mechanics.

But as you prepare for the alchemizing, you are interrupted! Or, rather, you interrupt someone else! You open up your PHONE to pester DIRK, as he appears to be back at his computer.

Two teenagers with a penchant for rambling. You just wasted so much time, you might actually think of losing your cool about Connor.

That was a joke. No Alder has ever lost his cool. Gog forbid the world ever see the day an Alder loses his cool, for it will be a cataclysmic event on the scale of the cataclysmic event that just wiped out Earth.

Enough of that. This is it. Heroic duds time.

PCHOOOOOO

>Greg:Examine Living room

You return to the LIVING ROOM,Rich still moving and deploying items around the ROOM,the KERNELSPRITE floating behind you.You decide it may be smart to prototype this thing like Dirk did with his.You give it a moments thought as to what to prototype it with.It would need to be something that would make the SPRITE a useful ally in combat if need be while at the same time not something that will come back to bite you in the ass later.

Almost immediately a LIGHT BULB seems to go off in your head.You walk into a corner of the room that Rich hasn't touched yet and grab one of the PRACTICE DUMMIES that is clothed in NINJA ARMOR,what ever that is.You lift it up,having gotten used to the weight of these things,and throw it into the KERNELSPRITE.As it touches the SPRITE a bright light fills the ROOM.

PCHOOOOOOOO

> Xavier: Be more awesome!!!
Ya damn right! You've been a shitty player for the duration of this game! Time to get tough!

> Xavier: Get some new weapons, motherfucka!
I go into the kitchen and get the BUTCHER'S KNIFE.
Aw yeah, bitches! You take the BUTCHER'S KNIFE, your Father won't miss it.

(Speaking of which, you wonder where he could be.)

> Xavier: Get more cool things, bitch!
I head into the GARAGE/TRAINING ROOM.
Let's see PUNCHING BAG, no. BOXING GLOVES, hell no!
Gasp!

> ==>
I see a chainsaw.
YES! HELL YES! HELL FUCKING YES!

> Xavier: Imagine the possiblities
YES! ALL WHO OPPOSE YOU WILL QUAKE UNDER THE MEAR MENTION OF YOUR NAME! XAVIER THE CHOPPER!

> ==>
It's to heavy to lift, you decied to captcha the damned thing instead.

Confused?
Thought so.
>BTH: Try to figure it out yourself.
You know you don't have to do this you self?
>BTH: Try to figure it out yourself.
Winston's right there and seems to know what you need to do.
>BTH: Try to figure it out yourself.
Oh ffs you have no idea what to do so why don't you just admit that you're out of your depth and ask someone who knows what you have to do.
>BTH: Ask Winston.

He doesn't seem to know what you need to do either. You could always just check pesterchum.
good idea.

Edited.

>Connor: Wow, you douse bag.

You know, now your dad hates you. THIS! STILL! SUCKS!

You close 4chan and take Chas's advice and try to cool down while looking at the falling mediators. You get pestered by Beth. UGH!

Well, this is the end and stuff. You lie on the concrete of your roof and try to sleep.

>Chas: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You made the HARD-BROILED BUSINESS SUIT! An old-timey classic, combining the best aspects of exquisite salesman finery and intimidating P.S. duds. And, it comes with a matching FEDORA. Hey, free CANDY-CORN!

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>Greg: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! You made DUMMYSPRITE! He floats around.

CRUXTRUDER TIMER: 18:17

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>Xavier: While you go about your quest of picking things up, TEDDYSPRITE follows along. He seems to be trying to get your attention.

Suddenly, a yellow IMP pops out of nowhere! It seems to be wearing a scarf, has a mechanical arm, and has teddy-bear ears. Not a very threatening image.

>Dirk: Begin Alchemizing

You do as you have learned, and take the CAPE SCRAP CAPTCHALOGUE CARD over to the PUNCH DESIGNIX. You are ready to make your awesome new JACKE--wait. Where the hell are you going to put your current JACKET?? Oh shit you did not think this through. As awesome as your SYLLADEX is it is a pain to use mundane objects with it.

>Dirk: Wear the HEADBAND

Of course!

As much as you loathe this HEADBAND, you would feel wrong about just leaving it lying around. So you opt to wear it, and fill its former spot on the NARUTO CARD with YOUR JACKE--er, you mean SHINO'S JACKET. The CAPTCHALOGUE CARD accepts this bluff, and takes the card. You now punch both the JACKET and CAPE SHRED CARDS and create a single, oddly-shaped TOTEM. You drop it off at the ALCHEMITER and activate it.

PCHOOOOOOOO

> Xavier: Laugh at your opponent
I do so.
You cannot believe SBURB would give you this shit!

> ==>
I fall over laughing.

> ==>
I pound on the ground laughing.

Fun time's over.
I throw the BUTCHER'S KNIFE at the IMP. Its lodged in.

> ==>
I grab take my KNIFE out if the IMP.

> ==>
I SHOW HIM MY STABS.

>Chas: YEEEEEEEESSS

You've done it. You place your treasured CANDY CORN under your hat, and tuck your lucky fork away inside your lapel, so you can pull it out like a total hardened badass. You can feel every dame in the galaxy waiting for a hard-boiled fella like you to come sleuth their problem. And you will. You are the universe's ace dick.

>Chas: Continue.

You're really entirely sure that you should spend more time admiring the suit, but you're about to have Connor's proverbial blood on your proverbial hands. Time to give them the old Alder one-two dramatic cliffhanger post.

You walk up to your father's wall hole. This is the moment of truth.

0_0

>Dirk: OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Using the totem with the ALCEHMITER creates.... THE JIHA VILLAGE JACKET! Made of the finest materials, it bears the symbol of team Dai-Gurren on its back, proudly proclaiming the dreams of those who have fallen and the hopes of those who will follow! Just who the hell do they think you are!

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>Xavier: Level up! Defeating the AMBER IMP promotes you to the rank of GREENTIKE. You collect 20 units of Build Grist, and 12 of Amber Grist.

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>Chas: As you enter your FATHER'S ROOM, you see... nothing out of the ordinary. Just a bed, a dresser, and a closet. Huh.

You briefly wonder why you thought the SBURB SERVER DISC would be in here. After all, you found the SBURB SEVER DISC in your FATHER'S BRIEFCASE a few pages back. Wait, what's a page?

Oh wait, there is one thing. Over in the corner, you see an unopened box. Prominently displayed on it is a message saying: WARNING. DO NOT OPEN. DANGEROUS PROTOTYPE WITHIN.

senorcromas:

>Chas: Laugh.

Once again you crack yourself up with these hilarious ANTICS. You are...you are just a card, you know that? As if you didn't have your server disk, that is ridiculous. Absolutely magnanimously humorous.

You don't think you'll let anyone know about this.

>Chas: Open box.

Boxes with warning labels! Truly this is their only purpose - to be opened by a wayward private eye slash salesman looking for something to make him more HEROIC.

Before you open it, you do the righteous thing, pray to whoever will listen, and take just a pinch of the candy corn in your hat, grind it into a dust, and throw it in your face before opening it. Such is the usual ritual for hard-boiled salesmen opening prototype boxes that MAY OR MAY NOT have laser forks in them.

senorcromas:

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>Chas: As you open the box, a small explosion occurs. You are blasted across the room, and take a pretty big hit to your HEALTH VIAL. You're down to 66%.

Well, what did you expect? The box said DO NOT OPEN.

Wait, it looks like something is still in the box. Is that... could it be... You got a LASER FORK! It's a FORK! That's made of LASERS! For easier cutting you suppose! Wow, this thing seems incredibly impractical as an eating device.

Benndak:

senorcromas:

>Chas: Vent.

You pretty much flip the fuck out. You got a fork made of lasers. This is basically all you've ever wanted. Even if your HEALTH VIAL is down to 66%, I mean, it's not like there's anything that can challenge you! Besides, a bunch of those IMPS were carrying GEL CUBES for just such an occasion. And with this new FORK, getting more would be child's play.

>Chas: Get more.

The explosion evidently attracted a couple of IMPS. You slowly approach them, tightly gripping the laser fork. Slowly, a wicked smile crosses your face.

>Chas: Engage MURDER MODE

This is absolutely satisfying.

You decide to lay smackdown upon some more of the imps outside your house. After all, you're only level SIX! A true LEADER takes charge in the form of being WILDLY MORE POWERFUL than his teammates. At least, you're pretty sure that's what LEADERS with LASER FORKS AND HEROIC DUDS do.

You're completely sure that nothing bad will come of your second grind session, especially not OGRES. That would be ridiculous. Moreover, there is absolutely no way you are forgetting anything.

>Chas: Forget something.

What's there to forget? CONNOR is offline. He won't mind. Once he gets b-

CONNOR is offline.

ohfuckwhathaveyoudone

>Rich: Move stuff.
While Greg sears your RETINAS and CREATES NEW FRIENDS, you try to move his STUFF around to try and fit in these FREE DOODADS. It seems as though the COUCH is going to have to go.

>: Careful, now.
Oh, please. You lost control once, sure, but that was the past! You are a much more mature and careful individual now. You CAREFULLY accidentally toss the COUCH to the ROOF. Carefully.

>: Place TOTEM LATHE.
Now, just place the 'TOTEM LATHE' there, and... done! Perfect, if you say so yourself. This ALCHEMITER, though... it's so big. It couldn't possibly fit in the room. You put it in the NEXT ROOM OVER, solving any potential SPACE ISSUES. Still, it sure would have been silly of you to put it somewhere INCONVENIENT, like RIGHT IN FRONT OF A DOOR OR SOMETHING. That would have been EXTRA SILLY WITH A SIDE OF COLESLAW, if you do say so yourself.

>Greg:Look at new items

After the blinding light from the PCHOOOOOOOO settles,your KENERLSPRITE is now a DUMMYSPRITE.
Pretty much what you had hoped though you do hope that there is some NINJA in there,but you will have to wait and see.After quick look around the LIVING ROOM you see that Rich has deployed the TOTEM LATHE....right where your couch had been.Seeing that no walls are broken you figure he must have deleted it.Drat.Oh well,better that then your BOOKSHELVES FULL OF BOOKS.

You hear things being moved in the kitchen,and after a quick check,find that Rich has deployed the ALCHEMITER in the KITCHEN...in front of the fridge.Well looks like this mostly empty room came in use for something.You do hope you don't have to eat or drink later.

Now all Rich needs to do is deploy the PRE-PUNCHED CARD and you will be set to start into your own WEIRD PLOT SHIT.

>Dirk: Wear your Jacket with pride!

You wear the JIHA VILLAGE JACKET, and become likely the HAPPIEST PERSON ALIVE. Which isn't hard, because the rest of the people that are still alive are likely your FRIENDS trying very hard not to die. You decide the next logical step is to make more CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS. You take your LUCKY STAR CARD out of the SYLLADEX, making it blank again, and punch it. You then take the TOTEM to the ALCHEMITER and decide to make an extra 10 CARDS, if possible.

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