Stolen Pixels #241: The Gaming Afterlife

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John Funk:
I dunno, I think "I'm an underwater football player created by ghosts who travels through time to fight my dad, who has become Satan" is a better story than "I am a space marine, aliens are bad"...

But this is still one of the best you've ever done, Shamus :)

So bad that it's good? I can relate to that line of thinking. Besides, you wouldn't really expect a Grammy-contender story level from a shooter, would you?

Shamus Young:
Stolen Pixels #241: The Gaming Afterlife

When gamers die, where do they go?

Read Full Article

Wouldn't it be more correct to say "In Hell, stories are written by Capcom"? While I am sure recent stories written by Square Enix are bad, they still don't have the reputation of being elementary student bad. :P

Nevertheless, one of your best comics yet. Hilarious and quite true.

Irridium:

*snip*
OT: Oh, and the gameplay and multiplayer is done by Free Radical, the guys who made Timesplitters.
*snip*

I would have to say DICE makes the better online MP, but as for gameplay that's debatable.
In hell the the online Multiplayer would be designed by Nintendo.(I love nintendo forever still)
Also, in heaven the community would act like PC gamers, in hell they would act like COD/HALO D-bags.

This was absolutely brilliant. But, you have to feel bad for Commander Shepard. I mean..he is about to get punched in the 'nads.

Even though its a european saying, I would say that in Heaven the military equipment is made by the U.S. and the technology is designed by Japan.

xD this should be the most viewed anything on the Escapist today and this weekend

Anterean:

carnkhan4:
One of the best stolen pixels for a good long time...

(And as an Englishman, I can confirm our cooking is bland, especially compared to Italian cooking)

I don´t know...

I really, really like steak'n'ale pie.

Pies and pasties are one thing we do have a knack for. We can't do delicate pastries, but we can do a pleasing fatty pork pie, Cornish pasty, meat pies or apple pies with a crumbly rich casing and a juicy middle...sorry drifted off a bit there...but other than that and our mastery of the potato, we're a bit thin on the ground culinary-wise...

Most funniest webcomic ever. You sir, has won.

But yeah, Square does write confusing storylines that in terms are "So bad it's good" instead of the same old Space Marine is hero, Alien is bad guy.

Twad:

Firepowered:
Being an Italian, and having travelled my share of Europe, I can assure you Shamus that all the stereotypes are true :)

..Even the french lovers?

If they're similar to French Canadian lovers, then I'd say yes, but you never know, French Canadians are basically the hick version of the French anyway.

The dialogues could have been written by Troika. They may dead now, but that was the afterlife.
They can also do the bugs and errors for hell.

The story would be by BIS.

I disagree with a few of them... I quite enjoyed FFX' story.

But still very funny! :)

Haha that was amazing sir! Enjoy your cake.

Irridium:

Jandau:

Yes, I realize that BioWare made both lists. For the same thing. If you've ever played a BioWare game, then you know what I'm talking about.

No, I do not know what you're talking about. Bioware writes better dialogue than any of the other companies you've mentioned, period.

Some of their choice options are stupid as all hell. Sometimes you can't even choose if you want to do something or not, but only how much you want to do something. And sometimes they just drop the ball and make you go "what the fuck Bioware?"

Examples(SPOILERS!)

OT: Oh, and the gameplay and multiplayer is done by Free Radical, the guys who made Timesplitters.

here, I diffuse all of your arguments.

also, would you rather not have any choice? I'm fine with picking an option out of three to six, but with bioware, people complain if their games aren't plated with diamond studded platinum casing. Why do we hold them to a much higher standard than everyone else?

That's funny. Really really funny.

I'm saving this so I can look at it again.

Tom Phoenix:
Wouldn't it be more correct to say "In Hell, stories are written by Capcom"? While I am sure recent stories written by Square Enix are bad, they still don't have the reputation of being elementary student bad. :P

Nevertheless, one of your best comics yet. Hilarious and quite true.

I dunno, I think Megaman Legends and Zero are pretty redeeming in their quality, but I definitely think Squeenix is a cut above Capcom.

My true complaint is how you fudged Square Enix into the stories for Hell. Every game (barring the already simplistic) will sound stupid when you reduce it to only it's most absurd elements and then string them together. Hell, even FFXIII, possibly the most reviled Final Fantasy had a good story (or at least a good 3/4ths of a story, I haven't beaten it yet). It feels like a cheap dig, rather than true parody. Maybe it's just because I associate the argument of "ridiculous story" with bandwagon FFVII haters. Sorry if I'm just misplacing my rage.

Edit: Snaps, I just remembered the FFXIV debacle. Okay, second most reviled FF game.

Hahahahaha! I LOVE IT! One of your best comics yet :D

"commander shepard can I punch you in the dick"
"only a little"
Greatest line ever.

Firepowered:

Twad:

Firepowered:
Being an Italian, and having travelled my share of Europe, I can assure you Shamus that all the stereotypes are true :)

..Even the french lovers?

Er... Actually, that's the only one I haven't confirmed yet :)
But british cuisine is indeed quite bad, and it's definitely true that us Italians are tossers.

What? we have Greggs, steak pies, and invented the Fish and Chip shop!

*storms off angrily*

This comic is so true, and as a longtime lurker, I made an account just to comment!

- Bioware is definitely one of the best companies for their dialogue, but sometimes it can fail rather poorly. The "Can I punch you in the dick?" Thing is a good, if made-up, example: you have 2-4 ways (In other Bioware games, mostly. I sadly never got to play ME very long but I only remember Good/Bad/Neutral choices, with a 4th option for extra info) of saying the exact same thing which causes the same events to happen in the same way, but only cause minor changes in people's reactions, having no real impact on the scene. In essence, what could have theoretically been an open plot with all the options you have, is basically a railroad plot with occasional input on whether to say "Sure!" "Affirmative" or "Shut up, what I say goes and I say we do what you just suggested which is the same plan I'd agree to in choices one and two."

- Flashy cutscenes and minute long ubermoves are basically all Square does right, sadly. I grew up during the SNES era of gaming (I got my SNES for my 4th birthday) and spent my childhood with Super Mario RPG, Mystic Quest, and Final Fantasy 4 (Only playing FF6 as a teenager, and only renting many other Square titles without ever owning them) Square's stories may have been enough as a kid, but even during the PS1 era, things just began to feel hollow. Too many plotholes, unexplained gaps, emphasis on attacks that take over a minute and deal barely any more damage than a normal attack. Honestly, I just think that anyone who's satisfied with a Square story only likes it because they have never played anything better.

There are a few very minor points to make about what I disagree with, though. Capcom's cutscenes aren't the worst by any stretch, but I guess the joke was to keep everything from the Heaven strip, huh? Oh, and Obsidian could have just as easily been replaced by Namco (Story? See Tales of the Abyss. Testing? I'm pretty sure it was Tales of Graces that was released with heavy bugs that made the game unbeatable.)

Warachia:

here, I diffuse all of your arguments.

And my rebuttle.

[spoiler]Both options for letting the queen live involve you releasing her into the wild. You can't just leave her in the cage, then contact the council. You have to release her, or kill her. There are options between "release a potentially dangerous alien into the wild" and "kill potentially dangerous alien, causing genocide of an entire race". You contact the council after you release/exterminate it. I'd have chosen to leave it in its cage, then contact the council. A perfectly logical option that you do not have for some reason.

Even if it was a splinter group, why couldn't I at least talk about it with the Illusive Man. This is the reason my Shepard is what he is, the reason he makes the choices he makes, the single most defining moment of his life. There should at least me an option to talk about the event which turned Shepard into either an asshole or an unwavering hero.

And about the Reaper proof, you find reaper artifacts on many other worlds, Sovereign was far more advanced then anything the Geth have, and the Geth even state he's a Reaper. And that brings up another point. You'd think they would want to question or interview the Geth, and here you are with a prime candidate for that, and all they do is just pass it off with one sentence? The fuck is with that? I guess they're cool with having a Geth, and the Geth attacked the Citidel remember, just walking around with you.

also, would you rather not have any choice? I'm fine with picking an option out of three to six, but with bioware, people complain if their games aren't plated with diamond studded platinum casing. Why do we hold them to a much higher standard than everyone else?[/quote]

All we want are more choices other then pure black/white choices. And choices that aren't the same choice but phrased differently, thats just the illusion of choice.

WIn

I am in full agreement with all sentiments expressed. Especially British chefs.

_Janny_:
Heh, nice idea for a comic. I think Square Enix makes great stories, though. >.> <.<

It very much depends. I bloody love some of their stories, but some others are, in short, stupid.

I want to be buried with the Atari Pac-Man cartridges in New Mexico. I suspect the result will be something like the movie Poltergeist. And it will be awesome.

This was a great comic Shamus! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. :) Also I think the "I am a space marine, aliens are bad" is a huge leap forward compare to Square Enix and it's story telling! @_@

Excellent comic. Definitely made my day, especially since after the first row I could kinda guess where they would all end up in the bottom row. Well done.

Good job! You now deserve to play some more Minecraft!

Great take on an old joke. Instant classic.

And the stories are wrote by capcom? You just made me laugh goods sir!

John Funk:

But this is still one of the best you've ever done, Shamus :)

Agreed. So funny, and so horribly, beautifully true.

As much as I love bioware, they do occasionally have those moments where someone says: "Shepard, place your face in this bear trap" to which you have the options of replying
"Yes sir, Thank you sir, may I do it again!" OR
"Screw you, I'm sticking my genitals in the bear trap!"

Shamus Young:
Stolen Pixels #241: The Gaming Afterlife

When gamers die, where do they go?

Read Full Article

Shamus, Shamus. My dear comedian on the Escapist, you really outdone yourself and created an everlasting smile upon my pale, lifeless lips that now are rejuvenated.

Definitly your best pixel yet. What a heaven you have envisioned there..And yeah, the hell as well.

Brilliant

Warachia:
also, would you rather not have any choice? I'm fine with picking an option out of three to six, but with bioware, people complain if their games aren't plated with diamond studded platinum casing. Why do we hold them to a much higher standard than everyone else?

First off, I love Bioware games and I am not coming here to bash them.

I loved ME, but my biggest problem with the ME dialogue was the moral choice system. In my first play through there were times that I felt a choice I made shouldn't given me renegade or paragon points. I think this point is well illustrated by Shamus' response in this forum.

Shamus Young:

Vorocano:
-snip-
Great comic all around Shamus! (I myself would have gone with "only a little" to the ball-punching question, though.)

Renegade!

I am not complaining about Mass Effect overall. It is one of my favorite games, and is definitely one of my favorite stories.

Irridium:

Warachia:

here, I diffuse all of your arguments.

And my rebuttle.

All we want are more choices other then pure black/white choices. And choices that aren't the same choice but phrased differently, thats just the illusion of choice.

Spoiler tag - possibly - inserted correctly. Anyway, as for the whole Cerberus/thresher maw thing:

Anyway, neat comic, though as a personal matter of preference, I'd prefer it if Pixar branched out and did the cutscenes. Square Enix can remain in purgatory. Also, this may be nitpicking, if Bioware are working on the dialogue, then wouldn't that also encompass the dialogue for the cutscenes? In that way everyone would win. In heaven, you wouldn't get whiny girlyboys (and girls) wailing about their brutal, unfair life and in hell...well, actually, maybe we just let Capcom do the cutscene dialogue there anyway...:)

Edit: got my own spoiler tags wrong. Such irony.

I think Blizzard makes better cinematics :P Anyhow, very good comic :D

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