Zero Punctuation: Call of Juarez: The Cartel

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This had GOT to be the most savagely mean (and funniest) ZP since Kane & Lynch 2.
There is no thumbs up big enough.

Haha, really funny review.
I haven't really purchased Call Of Juarez yetm but i wasn't planning to either, so i guess this only adds to my indifference, since by about 5 reciews i've read the game sounds awful, and i might aswell save my money up for something else.

I am crossing my fingers you'll review Catherine next week...

I'm pretty sure most of the online community enjoy being dicks to one another just for the Hell of it. Even in co-op, it's hard to find partners for games where they don't actively attempt to screw you.

Yahtzee Croshaw:
Call of Juarez: The Cartel

This week, Zero Punctuation reviews Call of Juarez: The Cartel.

Watch Video

Anyone else who has played this game, feel free to excoriate me for criticizing a work I haven't experienced for myself.

Does the Mexican really say "Ese" constantly? Even if this is a period game, that's fucking awful. I'm guessing this isn't a developer based in California or Texas, where Latin immigrants are plentiful and could tell the creators how insipid that is. Sure, there are a few Latinos who still call people "Ese" or "Way," but all of the other billion Latin persons on the planet collectively groan whenever they do.

It doesn't offend me because it's racist so much as it offends me because it's utterly dumb. This reminds me of the first Red Steel game, which was terrible for a long list of reasons, but was also a parade of racial stereotypes, though in that case I got the impression that it was on purpose since Ubi Soft was doing a piss poor job of trying to Tarantino-izing the game. Whenever you encountered a cardboard black guy enemy he'd shout some nonsense about "getting you, suckah." At one point you find a guy with an afro in a pool with two whores and when you approach he says, "Hey, cat, take it eeeeeasy," or some bullshit to that effect. But the best part is when you find the japanese madam of the brothel, presumably voiced by one of the creators' preteen kids, raised in the 80's and frozen in stasis and thawed only to share that decade's ignorance with us: "P-p-p-prease, don't hult me! Prease!"

I don't think developers should pretend that they are filmmakers and that it is the 90's and go out of their way to show how "normal" they consider minorities and other historically mistreated groups are, but Jesus, show a little bit of intellect when designing a character from another country!

another crappy shooter. so why did they feel the need to butcher a perfectly nice franchise for this?

"There is no middle finger big enough!"

That has become one of my favorite Yahtzee lines just for the tone alone.

coolkirb:
I like how you keep ignoring your fans and refuse to review Catherine, if I were you Id wait a year and do it just because you can

Actually, the game is not out in PAL territories.

That's the fun. It good to screw with people sometimes, even if they are your friends.

It was hilarious when he spoke like a dalek.

I actually expected Catherine, but then I look at the Western release date and find it was released a week ago.

It's still nice to watch Yatzee tear up a shit game for twats that has a new kind of sugary rocket ship multiplayer.

THERE ISN'T A MIDDLE FINGER BIG ENOUGH!

that needs to be a shirt, i will buy it

Ah, you know when a game is terrible that the ZP episode is bound to be really funny - as this was.

Another great review.

Too bad Ubisoft ruined this franchise and didn't kept it in the old west.

Middle finger big enough.
Scroll down,
Middle finger big enough.
SCROLL DOWN,
Middle finger big enough.

OK, That's plenty of middle finger quotes for one day.

Anyway, let's talk about the game. I liked it, it was very, very fun. Of course, it isn't without its problems. Like how yahtzee explained, when ever you want to ride shot-gun and your partners sit in the back having their ipods at full blast while reading a magazine, they are MAKING YOU DRIVE. Also, when ever you are suppose to cover for opposing gangs, the tagging gets repetative very quickly unless you have a partner. Overall, solid game.

But the middle finger is too funny to stop talking about.

This was very funny, but if you can get the game....., PLEASE REVIEW Catherine!!! I don't care if you'll hate it or not I just have to get your reaction on this bizarre game. So please?

Forced co-op has and always will suck. There has yet to be a good force co-op game in single player mode.

I loved the part where he said angrily. "There is no middle finger big enough!"

TheZombieTerrorist:
That's the fun.It's good to screw with people sometimes, even if they are your friends.

While it can be fun just to see how dickish you can be, how on earth can it be "good"?!

Also while I never liked the earlier games in the franchise[1] I could see why people did, so why did they all of a sudden set The Cartel in 2011???

[1] freaking western settnings, what is your fetish with it?

Wow, you pegged this perfectly Yahtzee. I rented from Redbox this game a week ago, out of sheer morbid curiosity, and it was the biggest waste of 5 hours in my life.

I new it wouldnt be AAA but I expected something half decent at least.

It pissed me off the only way you can progress and get better guns is by doing the whole "dirty cop" angle, which is near impossible to do. I mean if the level starts out with enemies constantly harrassing you and you having to run from place to place how you supposed to find stuff? When I got really pissed is when I figured out you cant take any guns you pick up in a level with you. Mind-numbing stupidity.

Where I gave up was a mission where your supposed to follow a car to their hideout. The car goes into an ally but everytime I drove by pedestrians would get in my way, if I hit one it would be mission restart. Grrr, ok past that part but as soon as I get into the alley I get a call, bout some dumb B- hooked on Ice that i dont feel sorry for at all. That wouldnt be so bad except the phone takes up half the screen and the other half is covered in this sickly green wash.

How am I supposed to maneuver my big ass SUV in a tiny alley with no visibility? YOURE NOT!

The people that made this had no F-ing clue how to make a video game.

Oh boy, another game where the fucked up the Single Player. Joy.

Dear god, Yahtzee made a 'LOL' joke.

I don't know what they were thinking when they brought the series into the modern day. Part of call of juarez's charm was that you had to adapt your typical shooter tactics with the limiting weapons of the old west. Take that away and it just reveals all the imperfections that were easily forgiven in the other games.

"FBI, DEA, LAPD, uhm... BBC, TCPIP... LOL."

Lmao. Good show, sir.

Funniest review in a long time. Also more references then usual.

Oh yahtzee rage like old times. Im feeling warm and fuzzy. xD

Wait, this is modern era? Thought it was the wild west and shit? Lol

You are completely and utterly wrong when you say you can't find a game at 1:00 PM in Australia. That means that it's 1:00 AM on the East Coast of the United States, and 10:00 PM on the West Coast. Evening to late night is when gamers are most active. The reason you can't find a game is because this game sucks, and no one bought it.

To say this in 'Yahtzee-style'...

"Now having taken the piss out of the tragedy that was 9/11, the video game companies have taken another real-life tragedy and used it to restock their giant cocaine pile. Aren't we all proud?"

Now to provide a little context: I live in El Paso, TX, which is right on the border with Juarez. While I don't want to minimize the suffering and horror of the warfare between the drug cartels in Mexico, exploiting it for some kind of entertainment value is sickening in the extreme.

So, I'll ask this question and then let it go: Why is it that a video game depicting the actions of soldiers, people we're supposed to revere, too controversial for public consumption (Six Days in Fallujah), but a game about a massive criminal enterprise that has killed thousands of people, and will continue to do so to be able to turn a profit, is perfectly fine fodder for our entertainment?

From the moment I saw Rooster Teeth do a blurb on this game I knew it was going to suck just by looking at the subtitles and seeing the liberal use of F-bombs and other swear words trying to be passed off as dialogue.

Therefore, I'm glad that you gave it a good thrashing, Yahtzee. If I ever meet you, I'll congratulate you for all the great work you've done over the last couple of years. That is right after I mercilessly pummel you for all those 9/11 jokes you've done over the same timespan.

EverythingIncredible:
"There is no middle finger big enough!"

That has become one of my favorite Yahtzee lines just for the tone alone.

Me too - that would make a great ring tone...

you shuould reveiw Outland a puzzel platformer on PSN and Trenched a game by Tim Shafer onXBLA next

Requesting "No Middle Finger Big Enough" merchandise.

Henry921:
They were the 'labors' of Hercules. Which has zero relevance to the rest of the review. I'm just a stickler.

And if we're really going to pedant shit up, wasn't the Greek version of his name Heracles, anyway?

Strangely enough - I get the feeling Yahtzee dislikes this game more than usual....I wonder why?

/sarcasm

Sounds like another game I can safely ignore with no regrets

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