Zero Punctuation: Turok

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David Cat:
1. Yahtzee should stop taking the piss out of ctrl+alt+del.

True, it does this itself far better.

2a. Mouse control for FPSes is not necessarily best.

Name one way that non-mouse control for any FPS is not the best.
One.
Go on.
Any way.
Any way at all.

Mad Pony:

I know it's terribly upsetting to you that people aren't constantly asking your opinion but if I have to read another of your insipid, pseudo-intellectual ramblings I will f'ing lose it. AND I HAVE ONLY READ TWO!

Young man, you need to take the classical approach to beddo:
tl;dr
I can say unequivocally that I have never read any of his posts. Why? Because I come here for 2 reasons:
1) To be jolly for 5 minutes while I watch/listen Yahtzee
2) To be jolly for 2 more minutes when I see another "first" banned (curse you Satosuke for depriving me this week!)

Edderz1989:

Indigo_Dingo:

Edderz1989:
is it just me or is Australia a hypocritical country.

I mean they sent murder's, rapists and othere evil doer's to populate the place and now they are scared witless if a game has more than 2 seconeds of on screen blood spiledge.

Most of us aren't the descendants of the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers - sorry, won't happen again - and the people in power (or at least who were) are in fact more descended from prostitutes, which is why John Hoawrd spent most of his office sucking George W. Bushes balls. I feel that Rudd will eventually end this, but he still has a long way to go before he can spare the time.

LMAO!

Very well put mate.

free lifetime chocolate biscuits to anyone who can identify where my little maniacal chant (i,e, the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killer) is from

That was awesome. Loved that, thank you.

"Be More Like Halo" had me chuckling.

The_root_of_all_evil:

David Cat:
1. Yahtzee should stop taking the piss out of ctrl+alt+del.

True, it does this itself far better.

2a. Mouse control for FPSes is not necessarily best.

Name one way that non-mouse control for any FPS is not the best.
One.
Go on.
Any way.
Any way at all.

In GTA Vice City. Here, mouse control is inferior to the self-aiming and locking thing, which is removed from PC GTA ports.

But yeah, Ctrl sucks on many levels. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is way better.

Sgurd:
Australia doesn't have No More Heroes yet?

That's a goddamn shame. I've anxiously been looking forward to a ZP review of it for almost 2 months now. Screw you Rising Star.

I've been waiting for a follow up ever since I played Killer 7.

ClassicThunder:
This was the very worst on in my opinion. Low on humor and just a bit of bitching about the way modern FPSs are heading. I just kind of went WTF and didn't even grin. He's should stay away from FPSs if he doesn't want progress and to remain in the early nintindo era.

He wants progress, just not progress towards shit. I don't expect a Halo fanboy like you to understand the concept of quality, but some of us actually do.

I'm guessing Lost next week, to prove just how shit it is down here.

Indigo_Dingo:

Edderz1989:

Indigo_Dingo:

Edderz1989:
is it just me or is Australia a hypocritical country.

I mean they sent murder's, rapists and othere evil doer's to populate the place and now they are scared witless if a game has more than 2 seconeds of on screen blood spiledge.

Most of us aren't the descendants of the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers - sorry, won't happen again - and the people in power (or at least who were) are in fact more descended from prostitutes, which is why John Hoawrd spent most of his office sucking George W. Bushes balls. I feel that Rudd will eventually end this, but he still has a long way to go before he can spare the time.

LMAO!

Very well put mate.

free lifetime chocolate biscuits to anyone who can identify where my little maniacal chant (i,e, the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killers the murderers the rapists the killer) is from

ummm... kasakstan (soz for the spelling)

Holy skullfucking jesus, I am so glad I don't live in Australia. What exactly is it about living south of the equator that makes it that much harder to give you your fucking games the same time america does? Fucking cockseepage if you ask me.

I now have it from two different sources that Turok is shit piled on top of fail and then molded into a velociraptor, so it's good to put that one to rest. I remember playing the first one and liking it but I then realize that at around the same time as the first game came out I till thought Barney was fucking brilliant, so let's not ask my younger self his opinion on what makes a good videogame.

Edit: God I wish using the internet required a license stating that you had to have an IQ above room temperature to state your opinions.

Indigo_Dingo:
In GTA Vice City. Here, mouse control is inferior to the self-aiming and locking thing, which is removed from PC GTA ports.

I'll have to call foul here as GTA:VC is not really a FPS. And it's better on the PC.
But a good try.

The_root_of_all_evil:

Indigo_Dingo:
In GTA Vice City. Here, mouse control is inferior to the self-aiming and locking thing, which is removed from PC GTA ports.

I'll have to call foul here as GTA:VC is not really a FPS. And it's better on the PC.
But a good try.

Its not. I had GTA III on PC and on Ps2, and aside from riipping the radio stations and sound effects 9like the final scene) to my iPod, the PS2 version was much better. And you never specified fps.

Come to think of it, If yahtzee did want all those things in an fps, why didn't he review Resistance?

Indigo_Dingo:

The_root_of_all_evil:

Indigo_Dingo:
In GTA Vice City. Here, mouse control is inferior to the self-aiming and locking thing, which is removed from PC GTA ports.

I'll have to call foul here as GTA:VC is not really a FPS. And it's better on the PC.
But a good try.

Its not. I had GTA III on PC and on Ps2, and aside from riipping the radio stations and sound effects 9like the final scene) to my iPod,

And altering the clothes, and the gravity and adding your own music, and playing on work computers and changing the voices and changing the cars and getting the Hovertank and changing into Superman....

the PS2 version was much better.

Oh and PC had better graphics

And you never specified fps.

Uhhhh...
{quote]Name one way that non-mouse control for any FPS is not the best.[/quote]
Yes I did. And I can just boot UT2004 and add autoaiming and locking with a mouse click.

UT 2004 which is PC only...

I admit we don't have Goldeneye (Well, unless you have the N64 emulator, or the PS2 emulator, which allows you to use mouse as well)...but seriously, mouse is superior, listen to the big Y.

Indigo_Dingo:
And you never specified fps.

He did.

The_Root_of_all_evil basically responded to the "Mouses aren't for FPSs" post the same way I would have, so no need to add anything.

Regarding the review, I must admit that the ending is probably the best one I have seen in any of your reviews to date. And, despite pointing out the "not-to-do" list for FPSs, nobody will listen (as you have also pointed out). And I semi-agree with the health bar for FPSs. I doubt any WWII soldier knew his exact health state during a battle, BUT one would expect that those fancy space marine suits have a built-in health monitoring system.

Finally, someone figured out that every FPS since Halo has tried to copy it ten trillion times. I hate remakes altogether, although CoD4 is fricken fun, most remakes are bad. And Turok is no exception, its good in theory but A Sound of Thunder was a better dinosaur movie, JP too.

Thisusernameisjustanotherwasteofspace:

Indigo_Dingo:
And you never specified fps.

He did.

The_Root_of_all_evil basically responded to the "Mouses aren't for FPSs" post the same way I would have, so no need to add anything.

Regarding the review, I must admit that the ending is probably the best one I have seen in any of your reviews to date. And, despite pointing out the "not-to-do" list for FPSs, nobody will listen (as you have also pointed out). And I semi-agree with the health bar for FPSs. I doubt any WWII soldier knew his exact health state during a battle, BUT one would expect that those fancy space marine suits have a built-in health monitoring system.

well who needs a health monitoring system when you only have 2 options - you are in, as Yahzee said, somewhere within a huge suit so either you don't really feel anything or you're dead....

I must say that I can't quite get the concept of console FPS games... it's just twisted and unfriendly and all sorts of other words I can't think of wright now, but have a similar meaning... Even though Yahzee pointed out the "lack of mouse" problem, you have to agree that if you really want to play a FPS you'd prefer a PC FPS and not a console one....

Indigo_Dingo:
In GTA Vice City. Here, mouse control is inferior to the self-aiming and locking thing, which is removed from PC GTA ports.

But yeah, Ctrl sucks on many levels. Saturday Morning Breakfast Cereal is way better.

RPG like and is Third person.

Wow, I thought I was the only one who when thinking of Ron Perlman thinks of his role in City of Lost Children, not Hellboy or Alien Resurrection. Anyways, awesome film reference on Yahtzee's part.

Went a bit far with the consloe bashing, but I guess if I still laugh then its ok.

This review left me with some remarks and questions, some more serious then others though:

Am I correct that Goldeneye was the first FPS where we had a camera going into the protagonist (Bonds) head?

What was up with that "respond to De-Rez"? From what I gathered someone must have made some critique against "the Yahtzee" but I completely missed it.

Isn't it strange though that despite Australia being colonised by English criminals and indeed prostitudes and their childeren, it's still weird that both Europa and Australia tend to be "forgotten" in the game-distribution. Though in all fairness, Australia still has it worse.

Though I know that CAD-comic is a bit of the whipping boy on the internet game-related pages, what did Tim do to incite the wrath of Yahtzee?
(I know Buckley never devotes any webspace to critique but I so hope to see a newspost concerning this.)

Mad Pony:

Beddo you infuriate me, and I'm showing incredible restraint here by using the word "infuriate". The manner in which you reviewed this game is infinitely less interesting than Yahtzee's own review. You're either incredibly ignorant of the way people perceive you or you've the balls the size of sputnik, because if neither of these states were the case then you certainly wouldn't have posted a review of a game within the thread devoted to a review of the very same game.

God only knows how many times before you've used other people's opinions to soapbox your own ideas from. I know it's terribly upsetting to you that people aren't constantly asking your opinion but if I have to read another of your insipid, pseudo-intellectual ramblings I will f'ing lose it. AND I HAVE ONLY READ TWO!

I'm not done though! You name instance after instance of why turok sucks, and then you go ahead and say it's a good game. A GOOD GAME!? What else was good, you schmuck? Super Man 64? Friday the 13th for the 8-Bit Nintendo? How did you feel about DAI KATANA? 10/10 RIGHT?

Sweet Raptor Jesus. Maybe I'm the only one who feels this way, but in the comments to a games review, it seems like someone is allowed to post what they feel about it as well, and two people might actually have a discussion about the game.

Jerakal:
Holy skullfucking jesus, I am so glad I don't live in Australia. What exactly is it about living south of the equator that makes it that much harder to give you your fucking games the same time america does? Fucking cockseepage if you ask me.

Its pretty simple.

A) They can't be fucked to do it right away.
B) Most of such games would not sell as well over here, social factors and the like, so they wait and build a little anticipation in the hopes that more people will buy it at full price.
C) The Office of Film and Literature Classification are a bunch of cokehead's for the most part, and many games releases are delayed due the the procedures.

However, being a PC gamer, I don't notice. <3 Digital distribution, despite the fact the ISP must use the current telephone infrastructure of copper wires several decades old, and the most we can get is round 24 MB/s...

Who honestly is surprised? If memory serves, every Turok but the first one was total suck.

Fully agree and yet another review I like. As for games appearing so late in Europe and Australia, well, some persons will try to convince you it's because:

- localisation: because the UK and Australia sure need to wait before US english is
properly converted to the Queen's Englishe and the majority of the rest of gaming Europe sure will have problems playing the games after all those years of watching US/UK series and sitcoms in their native language.

If you look a bit confused at said persons because of this realisation, they will then try to sell you answer B:

- globalisation: waiting for so long between region releases nets more money for the companies (tax reductions/benefits etc) and average consumers still swallow the delays (because they don't know that the other regions get it up to six months earlier or not), so why wouldn't they wait?

Well, I simply call "bollocks", point at the facts that

(a) most games have huge delays between regions

and

(b) Blizzard and Valve and others do pull off very nearly simultaneous worldwide releases. I think everyone can live with only a few days delay as opposed to months and months and months. And months.

then call it a day.

I have no problem with Buckley, but I love how everyone just rips it out of him. It's hilarious. Its like being back in school with the fat kid. You don't hate the kid, he's a nice guy, but you still laugh at the jokes about him.

*yawn*

yaay another review about a craptastic FPS, im supprised that the Y man took someone to task for phoning it in since this is about what he did with this weeks review.

am i to assume that i shouldnt buy turok in the specific, or just avoid FPS games in general? (not that i actualy need a reason too).

anyhow, didnt laugh once. and the highpoint was when i relized that the opening music was from jurassic park (example of how bad it really was). though i spose if i was a console FPS fanatic it might have been funny. then again no, it wasnt. nothing new to see here ill just -------> move along and hope for better next week i guess. must have been due to spending all that time naked and drunk in the forrest this past week

Great video, but I have to disagree with the suggestion that FPS games re marching in step with Halo 3. If that were the case, we wouldn't have so many gritty-brown and jungle green shooters with realistic weapons complete with natural weathered look applied to them. I found the use of colour in the Halo games to be fairly outrageous compared to games like Gears of War, Call of Duty and the various other WW2 shooter clones and I was pleased for it.

Did Halo invent regenerating health? Debateable, probably. However it at least includes a power meter in place of a health bar and it makes perfectly reasonable sense that it would recharge. As far as health bars go in FPS games, they're not entirely dead and I did catch the point about Bioshock being at least developed correctly if not particularly awesomely, and I suppose I'd agree that the health/eve meters in that game were pretty well implemented even if it did result in the main character scoffing any old food he found lying around in an effort to keep himself topped up (instead of doubled over in agony which is an optimistic assessment of what would happen to a real person who chain smoked a full packet of cigarettes in four seconds, drank several bottles of vodka, beer and wine, then sent down massive double handfuls of ten year old crisps in order to quell the riotous vomit rising in his throat).

I'd like to see Duke Nukem Forever return to the Duke 3D/Doom days and give us a numerical value for our health, which we can increase by using liberally scattered medikits and for no particular reason, urinals. Nothing refreshes the body from being savaged by alien mutants with plasma weapons like taking a leak.

Edderz1989:
is it just me or is Australia a hypocritical country.

I mean they sent murder's, rapists and othere evil doer's to populate the place and now they are scared witless if a game has more than 2 seconeds of on screen blood spiledge.

nah more like petty thugs, since back then murder and rape = death

Anyways yeah australia is shit mix when it comes to games i swear we get things a year or 5 months after the states have it, this includes movies and latest technology.

I've been to the Sherbert kingdom and it's not all its cracked up to be.

I'm surprised that there were no Mr. T references in this review.

I'm normally just happy to watch the review and have my giggles but felt compelled to comment on the opinion of the health bar being superior to the new fangled idea which every game copies from halo etc etc. The main point about this being a good thing is that it means the death of the health kit. I for one hate these magical, trans-dimensional boxes of goodness which can heal the worst wounds in a flash whilst not causing any side effects due to the vast amounts of painkillers swimming through your blood.
We need a change from them not because of the fact that they seem outdated but because they help suck the fun from a game when you're reloading an area for the tenth time because you need to kill the next fifty nasty men whilst on your last sliver of hp in order to grab hold of another box of morphine and bandages.

Also on the subject of halo, it might not have a compelling storyline or characters which are actually likeable at all, it's also stuck uncomfortably far up its own arse (the Tv ads pre-Halo 3 were painful) but it still has very solid combat in comparison to a lot of the other FPS's out there at the moment.

The_root_of_all_evil:

David Cat:
1. Yahtzee should stop taking the piss out of ctrl+alt+del.

True, it does this itself far better.

2a. Mouse control for FPSes is not necessarily best.

Name one way that non-mouse control for any FPS is not the best.
One.
Go on.
Any way.
Any way at all.

Firstly, you should stop taking the piss out of ctrl+alt+del also. If it is SO shit then why is it so popular? And I do not want to hear anything about it spreading like the plague, because that argument could be used just as easily for any popular thing at all.
Secondly, mouse control is admittedly faster, but that just causes CONSTANT overaiming. Also, the mouse-wheel-weapon-switching idea just makes selecting the weapon you want very tricky. The wheel scrolls through weapons ridiculously fast. But the real shittiness of mouse control comes with its association with the keyboard. The keyboard simply makes movement an overcomplication; why use four keys when one thumbstick is so much easier?
If you want to argue, then just email me at
david_c_a_t@hotmail.co.uk, I find forum arguments disorganised and inconsistent.

That was amazing the best FPS review of Yahtzee in many months.

David Cat:

Secondly, mouse control is admittedly faster, but that just causes CONSTANT overaiming. Also, the mouse-wheel-weapon-switching idea just makes selecting the weapon you want very tricky. The wheel scrolls through weapons ridiculously fast. But the real shittiness of mouse control comes with its association with the keyboard. The keyboard simply makes movement an overcomplication; why use four keys when one thumbstick is so much easier?
If you want to argue, then just email me at

It sounds like you personally aren't very good at PC FPS's rather then there being fundamental problems with it tbh..

i bought turok and it was entertaining for the 6 hrs it took to complete it, yes it was kind of generic in part, the story was a bit bland but it was a huge step up from Turok Evolution on the ps2. That being said i agree with most of what Yahtzee had to say, especially when he referred to aliens, would have been better if he pointed out the fact that Ron Perlman himself was actually an actor in Alien: Resurrection.

All in all entertaining review. :)

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