Read the OP first
Morally Wrong
16.2% (35)
16.2% (35)
Neither good nor bad
35.2% (76)
35.2% (76)
Don't worry about it!
48.6% (105)
48.6% (105)
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Poll: Hoping a Couple Breaks Up; Right/Wrong?

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Firstly, five months is long enough to establish a relationship that'll survive a mere summer break. I say that as someone who's spent four out of six years in a long-distance relationship, not counting the summer breaks when we went to the same college. By our first summer break, we'd decided that we wanted to see if we could move our relationship towards engagement (nothing official at the time, but we liked the idea and kept it as a mutual aspiration). Long distance relationships are only quick to break up by default when it comes to high school graduates.

Secondly, even if they do break up, there's an unwritten rule among most people that you can't date someone if they went out with a friend of yours, especially a best friend. Granted, some people don't follow it, and I think it's bullshit to not do it simply because "You just don't," but my point is that she may not think it's right to date you, no matter how long of a cool-off period you give her. She'd have to REALLY be interested in you to overcome it in that case.

And, of course, if she's completely willing to go out with you, then you have to be careful. Either that means you're a rebound or she's not very committal.

In short: Hope all you want, but don't expect anything.

Why didn't you ask her out first?

It doesn't sound like you're that close friends with the guy. Or friends at all, really, because to me that sounds more like an acquaintance. But even if you were close friends, unless you saw that the two of them were in love, there's nothing wrong with hoping that they break up. Most relationships aren't particularly serious and aren't likely to last anyway. Plus, as long as you're just hoping and don't make a move until after they've broken up, you're totally in the clear in terms of morals, bro-code, or whatever else anyone can conjure up.

It's not wrong to feel that way dude, you're human.

It's against my personal moral compass to try and break up a couple for my own nefarious ends, but do whatever you feel you need to. We'll only judge you by your actions and then, only if you tell us.

Eh...a little bit. Just don't ask her out while they are still dating. Doing so would make you an asshole.

mitchell271:
I've got a bit of a moral dilemma here. There's a girl I like...

Don't close the page

There's a girl I like, and she's in a relationship with a guy. Now, both of these people are my friends. The one I'm interested in lives in my res section and we see each other every day. The other is a rowing buddy of mine from the fall and while we don't talk all that much, we can converse for a while and we're on good terms. They've been dating since late January but with the year winding down, and the fact that they live in different cities separated by a 5 hour drive, there's a possibility that they'll break up over the summer due to lack of contact.

And that brings me to my question. Is it wrong to hope they'll break up so I can at least try to ask her out?

As the others said, simply hoping it will happen doesn't make you wrong as long as you don't take action about it...

... The problem is, now that we've validated your feelings on the matter, you probably will take action about it whether you realize it or not. You've got an agenda now, and psychologically you will interact with these two with that agenda fresh in your mind every time you see them. Whenever either of them brings up the other or their relationship, whatever words you say to them will carry that agenda. It doesn't need to be as direct as actively sabotaging their relationship through spreading rumors or anything so bold as that. I cannot stress enough how easy it is for anyone to be acting upon their own desires, whether through the words they speak or the tone they speak in, and not even realize it.

Let me explain why I feel this way. Two friends of mine were dating a while back. They dated for a couple years but the guy broke up with the her. The reason being he figured they were going separate ways in their lives, but there was also a lot of the little things she did started to bother him. In the tail-end of their relationship, he would talk to me and my other friends sometimes about arguments they had or the things that annoyed him. Being his friends, they would take his side always. He'd tell them she was being difficult, they would agree with him that she was being difficult. If he thought something was bullshit, they agreed with him that it was bullshit.

All of this was negative reinforcement and validating his negative feelings toward her until their eventual break up, but at its face-value, it was just a group of friends allowing their buddy to vent about his girl-trouble. None of them would ever claim they were trying to get him to break up because they weren't. However, I know for a fact that many of them thought he could do better and some outright didn't like her despite only meeting her once. I, on the other hand, knew her very well and knew she had about as many flaws as anyone here. The problem comes from the fact that he focused on those flaws and emphasized them due to the sub-conscious validation his other friends gave him.

This is the ultimate point I'm trying to make: it's alright that you hope they they will break up eventually, but you must now determine two things: Do you want one or both of them to be happy, and are they happier together than they would be apart? Think carefully about this and make sure it is not driven by your own desire for them to break up. Once you've determined this, you can be confident in knowing that whenever either of them talk to you about their relationship, you will take their best interest at heart and answer them accordingly without having your own desires subconsciously answering for you.

Do what is best for your friends, or at least for the girl you care about. Maybe you are what is best for her.

I've felt the same thing. It is human to feel jealousy, should you act on it? No.

mitchell271:
Snip

Nope, nothing really wrong with it as long as you're not being a dick about it. Just hoping isn't a big deal.

That said, Bro Code (The Code that comes with "thou shalt not occupy the urinal directly adjacent to thine brother in a public restroom unless all other options are already taken", not the ones that says "if you can't kegstand you're not a bro") dictates that you at least inform your friend that you're interested and are going to ask her out before you do so.

mitchell271:
I've got a bit of a moral dilemma here. There's a girl I like...

Don't close the page

There's a girl I like, and she's in a relationship with a guy. Now, both of these people are my friends. The one I'm interested in lives in my res section and we see each other every day. The other is a rowing buddy of mine from the fall and while we don't talk all that much, we can converse for a while and we're on good terms. They've been dating since late January but with the year winding down, and the fact that they live in different cities separated by a 5 hour drive, there's a possibility that they'll break up over the summer due to lack of contact.

And that brings me to my question. Is it wrong to hope they'll break up so I can at least try to ask her out?

I don't think my personal morality of such situation should apply to you. However its obvious that you have such misgivings otherwise you would not have started this thread. I've seen this thing happen many times, its human nature. I'd say as long as you do nothing to promote their breakup then you should feel no guilt if after the fact you decide to pursue her affection. If however you take steps to either poison the well between them or woo her away from him, no matter what anyone else here thinks, you will have to live with yourself. And judging by your need to seek approval to your feelings, I don't think you would be happy with that result.

No not really, but also consider that if you love something you have to let it go, yadda yadda yadda. Is it best for HER to break up? Can you honestly say to yourself that you'd be better for her? If so then more power to you.

All's fair in love and war. If you're not friends with the guy then I don't see anything wrong with it. She's not his property so it's not like it's theft or anything... that is of course assuming you do get to go out with her.

However, remember that if it happens what kind of person she is or how she is in a relationship.

image

Just kidding.

I'd suggest trying to move on, there's more fish in the proverbial sea, some you may even like more than her. And it's fine to feel how you do, as long as you don't let your emotions cloud your judgement and end up doing something stupid. Even still, I'd try to let go, it's less painful.

I've kinda been there myself, except for me it was my friend who started dating a girl. Suddenly he stopped hanging out with me, and basically just started ignoring everyone who wasn't her. Sounds like a childish thing to whine about, I know, but I didn't have many friends, so losing basically my closest one was hard for me. Despite not holding any grudges against either of them personally, I wanted nothing more than for them to break up. She is buried in my backyard. eventually went off to college and they stopped seeing each other, however that was years later and we were never really friends again after that. While I can't avoid feeling angry over it, ultimately you have to accept what you can't change, and try to consider how happy those other people are together. And you'll probably be happier too if you avoid dwelling on it.

No. Freedom of conscience, and all. You are free and allowed to think whatever you want, your mind is your own domain.

Even actively sabotaging another man's relationship does not have to be morally wrong. Since every moral/ethical system has its loopholes or logic bombs.

you're not "right" or "wrong" on this - it's a) kind of natural, i'd say, and thus b) ethics do not really apply ;)

of course you wish for a chance to ask someone you like quite a lot if they want to go on a date. as long as you're not a colossal a-hole, read: (try to) actively sabotage their long-distance relationship, it's cool. be nice to her, but not pushy, that seems to be pretty much all you can/should do for now.

I'd say it's wrong, just not very wrong or uncommon. Something to try to avoid, but not something to worry that much about.

Spinozaad:

Since every moral/ethical system has its loopholes or logic bombs.

Thats... a very original way of thinking about it. I do think most ethical systems consider that kind of manipulation immoral however.

Nothing wrong with hoping for another's failure, that's the sentiment that binds us all together as humans, jealousy, greed, vanity, all of those are just natures way of providing us with a drive to do shit, else all we'd do is sit around picking parasites off eachother and making no progress.

You're wishing unhappiness unto other people. I'd say that morally ambiguous, at best.

I'd say it depends on the situation. If it's obvious that one or both of them are being hurt by the relationship in some way, then I see no reason why it would be a bad thing to want them to break up. If, however, both are happy and the relationship is going along well then, honestly, it's kind of a dick move, especually if you're actively scheming on ways to "help the process along."

Odgical:
Dude. Not to be callous, but every day there are new 19 year old girls you can hit on. None of them are your friend's ex. I say, stop being all tunnel-vision and go ask out a different lass, eh? Women aren't that hard to find, it just feels like it sometimes, maybe, depending on who you are.

In fact, another advantage of going after a different girl, you can start right now! This moment! That's right, close your jaw, my good man, you're welcome. Now fly! Fly my glorious creation!

On a sidenote: if you're hoping a couple breaks up because they're really, obnoxiously happy together... that's not wrong either, right?

Here's the thing about humans, we tend to get attached. Sometimes there can be infinitely many fish in the sea but there will be only one that we want, and it seems weird to me at least to ask someone out when you're mentally fixated on someone else.

I don't see the significance of a friend's ex either especially when their friendship is on the level of " a rowing buddy of mine from the fall and while we don't talk all that much, we can converse for a while and we're on good terms".

Nope, you can hope all you want, my friends and I did when one of our good friends dated a crazy person. But leave it at that, don't be a dick and sabotage the relationship. Also remember to give it some time and not to ask immediately after they break up so you don't piss off any one involved. Question though, if he and you are on the same rowing teams, won't she live 5 hours from you as well?

Ok...I just found out that a girl I like broke up with her boyfriend a week ago.

Should I ask her out? I don't know when because in the past I thought 'I'll ask her out during the holidays' and she ended up getting in a relationship. I am meeting her tomorrow for a study sesh so it would be a good time to ask but should I go for it? It's been a week, we get along well (I don't know if she likes me in that way) but we both go on prac in less than 2 weeks time and I will be too far away to see her (prac lasts 6 weeks).

So should I ask her out or wait until after prac? Knowing my luck (and my shyness) I won't ask her out tomorrow and she will end up in a relationship with someone (she really is that pretty)...help?

captcha:
Deep Thought

Yep.

In your situation, it's amoral. You're hoping they'll break up for a selfish reason. You can hope people break up when you feel someone deserves better than who they have, though.

crazyarms33:
Nope, you can hope all you want, my friends and I did when one of our good friends dated a crazy person. But leave it at that, don't be a dick and sabotage the relationship. Also remember to give it some time and not to ask immediately after they break up so you don't piss off any one involved. Question though, if he and you are on the same rowing teams, won't she live 5 hours from you as well?

Different situation. You don't know that the girl is dating a bad person. He's hoping that two perfectly compatible and happy people, at least to our knowledge, break up. That's amoral.

mitchell271:
-snip-

If you really cared about them you'd want them to be happy together.

I've been through the same thing a fair few times so you're not a terrible person or anything.

But just spend a little bit longer thinking about it.

x Do you really think you could make this girl happy?
x Is there anything wrong with her relationship now?
x Are you even each other's type? (I've been attracted to people whilst still knowing we'd be a terrible couple so maybe you should consider that.)
x What is it about this girl that you like i.e. is there any chemistry between you?

The fact that you want her to go through a break-up so that you can have the chance to ask her out tells me that you probably don't have the capacity for empathy to give her a decent relationship. However that's just at a glance and I could be totally wrong.

If they do break up then I encourage you to make your move but just think about it a bit more first because as I said, I've been in this position and it's easy to get confused about what you want. Hopefully that helps a little bit.

It's been said before, but as long as you're not making them break up it's not morally wrong. You can't really help the way you're feeling. Let it be said that I wouldn't consider you a good friend though, but again, it's not easy to stop feeling what you feel.

Neither good nor bad, though I guess we could assume that you consider the distance a strain on their relationship causing both of them stress and that if they break up and if they get together with someone that are physically closer (in her case you) then that could possibly be considered morally good.

Something is only morally wrong if you intend to do something morally wrong, or you did something morally wrong deliberately. Wishing things were different is never wrong. It's only if you act on those desires that they can have moral properties. To take a nice controversial example: Being attracted to children isn't morally wrong, acting on that attraction is wrong. Similarly, wanting to kill someone isn't wrong, actually killing them is wrong. And in your case, wanting two people to break up isn't wrong. Breaking them up would be wrong.

Totally OK.
I mean, even if you thought it was wrong, I dont think you will be able to shake off the feeling that you want them to break up anyways.
As long as you dont do things to sabotage them, you are allowed to think whatever you like.

Just hoping isn't wrong.
You doing something so that they have to break up... that'd be wrong.
I have a friend whom I hoped would end it with his girlfriend but that was just because I think they were together just so they'd have someone to have sex with, there was no intellctual thing and they were always fighting which sucked ass when the rest of us tried to have a good time. They have broken up now and I think it's for the better.
So there are different reason why people should break up, just hoping isn't wrong and if they do break up, well why not just give it a go then...

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