This week in Zero Punctuation, Yahtzee reviews The Callisto Protocol.
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Poor old Jacob Lee can’t catch a break. First he has to deal with people always asking him if he’s still making movies with Kevin Smith, then his space truck explodes over an evil space prison and he gets thrown into the space prison for some unclear crime, possibly littering. Then all the prisoners get infected with zombie virus and become more interested in twatting Jacob Lee to death than in trading cigarettes for handjobs, and if all that weren’t enough to put the bow on Jacob Lee’s shitty day, he then has to spend the next ten hours being the protagonist of a fucking awful video game. But be realistic, Jacob Lee, you’re hardly Silent Hill material, you’d need to learn more than two facial expressions besides Stupid Confused and Stupid Neutral. The Callisto Protocol, then, unashamed Dead Space clone by what has retroactively been revealed to be the less competent of the two creators of Dead Space. So you should know what to expect of the basic gameplay – third person creeping through dark metal corridors, frequent ambushes by screaming ambulatory piles of expired deli meat, and several NPC support characters whose plans always seem to boil down to Jacob having to make his way through nine levels of murder basement while they stay in an air conditioned computer room making sure the screen saver doesn’t come on.